random thoughts in the moment.

1) I hate cops- they totally suck
2) I hate my car- its cursed
3) I like being at starbucks
4) I love my job, hate the commute
5) My boyfriend makes me happy
6) I keep thinking of my future
7) I'm nervous about new york
8) I hate the restaurant business
9) I'm planning on taking more classes just incase i need to change career paths
10) I feel really behind.
11) I miss my best friends
12) I have amazing girl friends in LA
13) Writing relieves me but hurts my head at the same time.
14) I'm tired.. I want to go to the spa and relax..
15) super stressed for some reason. -_-
16) The end.

True Story

So I asked out my boyfriend yesterday to be my "boyfriend"
you guys must be thinking.. "uh... why didn't you let him do it?"

LOL

Well he did..
in the sweetest way EVER..
but I said NO

because we all know that I just got out of my 1st serious relationship.
I know my whole lesson on "rebounds" trust me.. I learned in college when I actually USED someone for that reason..
SO bad.. and extremely hurtful to the other person.
I learned..

so I knew this guy was different..
he cared..
and not just in a "hey, baby ,, ur fine" kind of CARE
i'm talking about the genuine "I LOVE YOU FRIEND" kind of care!

do you know how rare that is..??
to find that .. to find a friend that you mesh SO WELL with..
and finally taking it to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL???

it was such a hard transition for me..
but.. he made it so easy..
he made it so clear
he let me knowww
that he liked me for reasons BEYOND the superficial..
he liked me for me..
and wanted to take care of me
and cherish me

He sought me like a treasure..
and seriously EVERYDAY
never let me FORGET it
... HE NEVER STOPPED making me feel special..

He's different..
and for the first time
I feel like
I am in a good place
and I am "happy"

But yes I did it in the MOST cheesy TACKY way :(
i bought him a really cute cupcake and attached a home made note on it
it had.. a question mark on the front
and inside said "will you be my boyfriend?"
and he said of course :)

If you wanna know how he asked.. let me know and i'll b happy to share..
the more I share about him..
the more even you will see that he is different..
sort of made for me..

still.. on the same page..
still trying to make each other happy <3

Girls are Evil.

If you're reading this..
it probably doesn't apply to you
but these days
I just have to VENT
GIFNiawdnawidnawidnawd

Mk.

Well people that know me
should know that about 95% of my friends are girls
and people in that 95%
are LOYAL, LOVING, CARING, and ESP. DRAMA FREE.
I am DRAWN to those kind of girlfriends..
and I care for my girls SO MUCH.. I would do anything for them.
My true loyalty stands with them..
No BOYS.

but of course there are those few exceptional GIRLS..
and I am NOT their friends for legitimate reasons..
REASONS being.. they are
DRAMA STARTERS, GOSSIPERS, and HATERS.
YES, there are so many girls that HATE me for no reason, find it difficult to find me happy, and their whole purpose in life is to ruin mine.
SAD, INSECURE, STUPID, EVIL girls..
yes they exist
and yes, no matter how far I get from those girls..
they still like to cause a spark which eventually can cause a FIRE, that I can't even blow out.

I thought this whole kind of drama ended in high school, maybe COLLEGE..
but seriously..
THOSE GIRLS NEED TO FRKN GROW UP ... FOCUS ON THEIR SAD LIFE.

sigh, this is my one vent, my one HATE, and my one PEEVE in girls..
please don't be one.

Fairy tale

I have always had a dream.
A wonderful, swt dream.
lol.

I'm a typical girl


Anyways,
I always imagined my life to be something like this :
marry at 24.
have kids by 27.
have my own clinic by 30.
and be super happy with the man of my dreams.

ok.. well.. i'm very OFF lol
but I know that happiness comes in other forms and shapes..
and I am still embracing all the changes..
my life will probably play out like this..

be engaged by 26
marry by 27
have 1st kid by 30
and have a clinic by 40

or even that.. might not work..
life is sooooo unpredictable it intrigues and scares me at the same time.

I guess I should just be living in my present..
because so far.. its been playing out quite nicely.
because of HIM.

But as of now.. I'm super happy
I never thought I would meet my prince charming.
I never thought that it was possible to have it all..
boy I was wrong..
People tell you romance like the movies never come true..
but if you meet the right person..
it does.. IT REALLY DOES..

no compromise..
no sadness..
no games..

both people on the same page, on the same path, going at the same pace.. with one goal .. making the other person happy.
i'm giddy :)

Grad school

Its upon us.
well.. me..
lol.

Sigh, what is wrong with me.. why am I so fickle!!
I feel like such a kid that needs a lot of growing up.

I don't know what will make me happy and it scares me to stick with something that i'm so unsure of..
I want to help people... I know that much
but I also want to do it in a way that will make my job fun more than a mundane task.

when i discovered OT, I thought, whoa this might be perfect for me..
but its also very chill.
you might be thinking why is that bad?

well for those that know me, I am super competitive, and super active in my daily life.
I have to keep at a fast pace and have to fill my schedule up for the year.
I have to stay busy, because that is what drives me.

So then I discovered nurse anesthetist
and boy it sounds SOOOOOOO COOL
to be active in surgery
to get paid double
and to just be in that constantly active environment.

Sigh, what am I doing with my life? :/
i'm already almost there for OT..
why am I trying to give up now?
perhaps I should just try it for 5 yrs and see how much I enjoy it..
and if I don't like it..
go back to school for nursing.wah life has too many choices.

Is it possible

Is it possible to like a friend more than a friend?

Its a huge risk,
when do you know its worth a try?

What if I was to say that someone is willing to offer me everything that I could ever dream of..
Could offer what the others were lacking?
What if they have SHOWN you evidence that they want to be there for you thru thick and thin

Is that when I take a risk?
My heart is very tired, and very guarded..

words are words..
What I learned from my past..
is that words mean nothing..
people talk so easily..
win people over so easily..

but it means nothing.. to me now

I used to not be this cold person..
but now I am..
So how do I act.. when someone is asking for my heart?
when someone is offering a safe haven for it?

risk.
I don't know if I have it in me.

My kind of guy

So this past wk, I have discovered that... many of my friends have broken up with their boyfriends.. including myself.
The thing is, all these relationships have been LONG TERM, and I always question, when did it get to that point that everything fell apart?

It took me a while to realize what it is that I want in a relationship, and it was painful to see that the one you loved was NOT the one providing it. :/
Its a tricky situation- but I guess its realistic.

There is always one person that falls out of love in the relationship
One person that always gives up
one person that stops trying
and one person that gets too comfortable.

All these .. take a toll on relationships... and eventually end it..

So what were my reasons?
Well I guess I shouldn't be pinpointing all the mistakes but rather sharing with you what I want in a relationship, therefore showing you what I didn't get.

Basically- I may be a total optimist and be naive in thinking that this kind of love exists..
but I want it..
is it wrong of me?

Sigh.

When I meet someone, I want them to think i'm funny. I find that humor is a HUGE part of my life, and a guy that can make me laugh because he WANTS to see me happy, is a keeper. But at the same time, I want him to see that I can make him happy as well. So none of this whole looks business, Its really about the happy heart.

I want a guy that keeps my happiness a priority, even in the the most busiest times, I want him to look into my eyes, and see the person that I am. Many times, people take their relationship for granted, put it on their list of things to do, and then when they see the person, they space out.

I want a guy that doesn't get too comfortable and stops trying. I want a guy that constantly makes the girl feel special, and show her that he is there for her...

I want a guy that tries.. his best.. I don't WANT the best.. I want HIS BEST
that's all I want.
But now i'm broken, because there are many things that weren't right, but I took it .. I became a push over.. and just another girl in their life. This kind of ending, makes me guarded in various ways- and you wonder.. WHY ARE PEOPLE GUARDED? there are reasons... good ones..

gain our trust, gain our hearts.

Sometimes, I feel like in the end, the love never existed..

I so badly wish.. he would fight for me.. to prove that his love was real
but I guess the battle is done..
we lost.