NYU

Btw, I just got into NYU..
and now I feel like my life is just beginning!
this is the CHANGE that I have been looking for,
most likely in AUG- I'll move to a new BLOG-
and have a better camera..
that way I can document my whole NEW life in NEW YORK :)
I am psyched!

figured

So I figured something out about all boys- and I must say this is pretty universal with them..
it must be innate or something
but remember that "chase" or the "game"
that we all played in high school?
Well I noticed that.. even though girls sort of grow out of it, I don't really think guys do..
No matter how mature they are,
I think they always carry this pride with them.. this pride to always "win" or always be the "man" in a relationship..

How does this work?
well you see relationships are a tug of war..
you are either pulling, or he is...
Basically if you are pulling hard (trying hard to not care) he doubles his effort to win you back..
I know this is so lame..
but i honestly think its true..

I know my boyfriend when he was unsure where my heart was.. well I was unsure, cuz I just got out of a two yr relationship, I was pretty distant...
but anyways, do you know how hard he TRIED?
HE tried really hard..
and went out of his way.. to "woo" me..
then there were times.. he found out that I was going to hang out with my ex's friends..
and he.. tried to see me as much as possible before I went..
coincidence?
I don't think so..
the more he did for me, the more I became "crazy" about him..
I let my entire guard down..
he still tries, but now that he knows he has me- because I became this crazy clingy gf.. I don't think he tries as "hard"
I'm basically giving him my end of the rope..
dumb?
YES! ALL GUYS HATE CLINGY GIRLS..
I know its hard to do, especially when you are one, but sometimes we just need to back off
you know those guys that think of their girl - day and night?
its because the girl doesn't CARE.. or its not her priority to .. think much about him..
but it drives guys crazy..

every time my boyfriend thinks i'm upset, I withdraw myself because I just stop caring.. about everything
but that's when I see he tries so much harder, trying to bind us back to normal..
I guess it'll never be normal,
I used to not have that much pride in myself, but thanks to my ex...
I no longer want to be that girl that likes the guy more..
I really feel like the GUY has to always LOVE the girl the most..
she must be pursued and cared for at all times..
I honestly believe the girls heart is precious.

excitement..

The way I think will never change..
I constantly search for the ideal fairy tale
and although I know in reality they don't exist..
My body just won't allow me to stop.

When I look at relationships,
how they start and blossom
I am simply happy. - excited

But why does it have to stop?
Why do they always stop being excited
Men, Women- take everything for granted if they have it,
but when will they realize that they can lose it just as quickly?

Just cuz you've won them over, does not mean
that... you have them..
so cherish them, love them, and tell them.

I'm always excited about things I have, and I hold so closely things I never want to lose.
Its just sad when others just fall into a pattern of..
oh k I can stop trying now.

sad. I can't be in a relationship like that.
I like to constantly be in love.
and if people are telling me that type of love doesn't exist
I rather die alone.

Friendship

This topic has been lurking on my mind for a while..
you know I realized that all people view the term and meaning of "friendship"
very differently.

Personally,
I use it as one of the deepest form of relationship a person can have.
I am the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve
and I'm not afraid to show it.. even though it makes me vulnerable, it also makes me stronger.
That is why, I don't take my friendship with people lightly
and its extremely offensive when they aren't equal in effort, love, and respect.

I have learned from a rough path,
to cut those that affect me negatively
and to embrace those that build me up.

I constantly strive to be a good friend
and I put a lot of my time and energy into them,
its just sad when it isn't reciprocated
and many people in this world, use friendship.. as a temporary fix to help fill a void

I choose to cut..
sad to see
those around me, will probably not be around 5 yrs from now. :(

My stage

So I am currently in this awkward stage of my life
where I am just STUCK
I thought people only stay in this state for what.. 1-2 yrs
but I definitely feel like it is much longer for me, and it is only leading to more depression..

I need movement, I need change, and I need something to get my attention away from feeling so LOST
its so hard to change my perception especially when I have nothing to look forward to in the moment.

I am working my butt off in a job that pays me NOTHING
I am living pay check to pay check
My best friend lives FAR from me now
and I seriously have to spend a lot of my days ALONE
EVER since she left I seriously have no one to talk to, or enjoy doing exciting things with..
she was my go to girl, she was my best friend..
and please don't think my boyfriend.. is enough..
BOYS are NEVER enough in a girls life..
they don't even understand you half the time.. and when they try to console you thru a troubling time, often times they make it WORSE..
I am waiting on schools to get back to me.. but that will take 2 more months
and I used to travel- A LOT and now.. i am stuck in this STUPID SGV ... in seriously a FRKN BUBBLE..
doing the same frkn thing everyday
and I can't change anything NOR MOVE because I HAVE NO MONEY, NOR SAVINGs to TRYYYYYYY anything different..
I can't miss a single day of work.. and life seriously feels like the ULTIMATE LOW..
this ALL BLOWS..
and I CAN"T HELP BUT VENT...

In my mind..

I have an image in my head...
ideal but can be made real.
I'm not..irrational in the way I think
and I feel that life can turn out to be as great as we make it to be

What's important to me:
1) family- i can't wait to have my own kids and have so much fun with my husband
2) relationships- I hope we continue to LOVE LOVE LOVE
3) friends- I hope I find a close knit of friends that reciprocate in effort
4) career- I hope all the efforts I put in will always result in excellence
5) interior design- I can't wait to design my future house
5) tea - want to COLLECT all things TEA
6) ballet- Want to continue
7) science - want a career in it
8) fashion - want to be up to date with it
9) GOD - want to DRAW closer to HIM <3

afraid

He said he was afraid of my love..
how so I wondered..

He said he knows that i'm happy-
but my reasons for being happy is because I painted a perfect picture of him in my mind and heart
He must think so low of himself- and not worthy because
he is afraid that one day I will see this ugly side of him, and walk away...

What does this mean?
should I be afraid?