Acceptance

So I do realize now,
after so many attempts of maintaining a failed relationship
what my problem is..

I HAVE MAJOR issues with
HIGH expectations

:(

I constantly desire a type of relationship
where the love is constantly GROWING
not.. just getting "comfortable"
I hate that..
I JUST HATE IT..

but yes, ppl say "omg thats life!"
well if i'm constantly striving to make the relationship better
why can't they?
why do they like to stop trying
and just cruise by..? WHAT IS THAT...
sucks..

I never make promises I can't keep,
I am who I am..
and thats who they claim to "fall for"
but to please me,
they make all these promises and act a certain way that they think will make me happy.
Well it doesn't
it just comes off as fake, and really hard to read..
then they become resentful.. of YOU
what is that?!

so yes I have come to the conclusion that I need to give a guy more slack
Although, I wanted to with my most recent relationship,
something in me just didn't want to give him that slack
because I knew he was getting way too comfortable..
To the point where it just got "boring"
the relationship got "boring"
it was a good relationship
but its not mine..
its not what I want
and that SADNESS was exposed so clearly
that he walked away because it made him feel like a failure.
He was smart to walk away.. although I think it was weak
it was smart in the long run
and I'm thankful for him
and glad he treated me well..

I just wanted more..
and if that desire is there, then obviously no matter how good the relationship is,
its just not right..
the right person will always make you feel complete..
not like a little piece is missing..
this was a good run. I'm glad it happened. :)

Do not worry

I am a huge worry wart..
anyone that knows me, knows that's one of my more stand- out - ish
characteristics.

Its really hard for me to take in "bad" things..
and sometimes I think they are dreams, and that I just need to wake up..
I think i'm prone to falling into depression .. deep depression one of these days
cuz its so hard for me to pick myself up. :(

Everyday, it seems like I receive a life stressor-
like there is never a break for me..
I constantly need to be worrying about something

life is really tiring to live..
esp my life, when 90% of the things go wrong.
YES i want to see the sunny side of things,
but its hard especially when I'm constantly being slapped in the face :(
Well,

I should take advice from both the bible
and from friends..

DO NOT WORRY :
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

and for people that tell me:
It happens! meh.
ahha true, a lot of things happen to people,
so just keep on swimming.. keep going

I suppose.. this will be one of my greater lessons in life.

Difference

There is something about differences in people- it can be good or it can be very bad.
I guess there is always some kind of "compromising" that must be done in a relationship
but I strongly believe in changing the BARE minimum.

To love someone's flaws perfectly.
man, its so rare to find that kind of love.
I know i'm not hopeless when it comes to that, but I sure feel.. far from it.

Yes, I always rave about my boyfriend being so great, and don't get me wrong, he is amazing!
He's amazing in a lot of aspects,
but taking a closer look..
he seems like the perfect guy from afar,
the details of our relationship however don't seem to add up to me.
No matter how much I try to squish the pieces together,
I can't seem to fit them..
Something feels off
something feels wrong..
and my heart can't help but..
drift

I can't seem to really find what's wrong.. but I'm thinking
there just doesn't seem to be enough passion-
this Passion or fire that I see in perfect couples..
its there.. in the smallest way..
but its not there for me..
I'm so stagnant in this relationship,
not drowning nor growing from it,
and I don't think feeling this way is healthy.

Why is it so hard to find a guy that is CRAZY about me..
I no longer blame the guy,
I think maybe there is just something wrong with me..
Not that i'm a horrible person, but just that..
I'm just not capable of love.. at least not the love that exist in this world.

I'm happy by myself.. and always have been.. maybe I'm suppose to stay that way forever..
who knows..
I am no longer looking in the future.. cuz my path is constantly changing .. leading me to a whole new place..
I no longer trust my heart

Challenge

I just got challenged
when I make my move to new york = aug 9,2011
I need to create a blog and update once a wk.

I'm literally going there with ONE luggage :(
so scary =*(

NYU

Btw, I just got into NYU..
and now I feel like my life is just beginning!
this is the CHANGE that I have been looking for,
most likely in AUG- I'll move to a new BLOG-
and have a better camera..
that way I can document my whole NEW life in NEW YORK :)
I am psyched!

figured

So I figured something out about all boys- and I must say this is pretty universal with them..
it must be innate or something
but remember that "chase" or the "game"
that we all played in high school?
Well I noticed that.. even though girls sort of grow out of it, I don't really think guys do..
No matter how mature they are,
I think they always carry this pride with them.. this pride to always "win" or always be the "man" in a relationship..

How does this work?
well you see relationships are a tug of war..
you are either pulling, or he is...
Basically if you are pulling hard (trying hard to not care) he doubles his effort to win you back..
I know this is so lame..
but i honestly think its true..

I know my boyfriend when he was unsure where my heart was.. well I was unsure, cuz I just got out of a two yr relationship, I was pretty distant...
but anyways, do you know how hard he TRIED?
HE tried really hard..
and went out of his way.. to "woo" me..
then there were times.. he found out that I was going to hang out with my ex's friends..
and he.. tried to see me as much as possible before I went..
coincidence?
I don't think so..
the more he did for me, the more I became "crazy" about him..
I let my entire guard down..
he still tries, but now that he knows he has me- because I became this crazy clingy gf.. I don't think he tries as "hard"
I'm basically giving him my end of the rope..
dumb?
YES! ALL GUYS HATE CLINGY GIRLS..
I know its hard to do, especially when you are one, but sometimes we just need to back off
you know those guys that think of their girl - day and night?
its because the girl doesn't CARE.. or its not her priority to .. think much about him..
but it drives guys crazy..

every time my boyfriend thinks i'm upset, I withdraw myself because I just stop caring.. about everything
but that's when I see he tries so much harder, trying to bind us back to normal..
I guess it'll never be normal,
I used to not have that much pride in myself, but thanks to my ex...
I no longer want to be that girl that likes the guy more..
I really feel like the GUY has to always LOVE the girl the most..
she must be pursued and cared for at all times..
I honestly believe the girls heart is precious.

excitement..

The way I think will never change..
I constantly search for the ideal fairy tale
and although I know in reality they don't exist..
My body just won't allow me to stop.

When I look at relationships,
how they start and blossom
I am simply happy. - excited

But why does it have to stop?
Why do they always stop being excited
Men, Women- take everything for granted if they have it,
but when will they realize that they can lose it just as quickly?

Just cuz you've won them over, does not mean
that... you have them..
so cherish them, love them, and tell them.

I'm always excited about things I have, and I hold so closely things I never want to lose.
Its just sad when others just fall into a pattern of..
oh k I can stop trying now.

sad. I can't be in a relationship like that.
I like to constantly be in love.
and if people are telling me that type of love doesn't exist
I rather die alone.