away from home

This year is slowly coming to an end.. but it only means that we are getting closer to the inevitable changes that are about to occur. In some ways, I feel like my life is only beginning. I have been nesting comfortably in my home with my parents rent free... and engaging in various activities that reflect my childish, docile spirit.

Hm, but all that is about to change.

If I am to set my foot out into the world of NY or SF, I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel lost for a good chunk of time. Living on your own in a whole new place, is the scariest yet the most exciting feeling in the world. How will I cope? I have no idea. I do wish I could take an old friend with me along the journey, but I know everyone is making their own mark.. no matter how much I tout that kind of lifestyle lol.

*sigh* I can't wait to share with the world, all the new things (if it happens) happening to me :)

My life is just beginning, what will be the zenith of my existence?

I have a strong passion for so many things, I'm glad as time is passing by I'm starting to feel more comfortable with saying "this is what I want, this is what I don't want, I'm going to achieve it".

Trust

It really is the hardest thing in the world to trust people, or even to trust yourself.

We change, they change.

Life always takes us to new places and sometimes gives us the most unfortunate events to deal with.

With more and more serious relationships, the harder its seems for me to grasp the whole idea of trust- just cuz it gets scarier and will inevitably be far worse in the future then in the beginning.

I truly envy- strong, independent girls who never let anything bring them down, and live such care free lives. I also love those girls who take charge of their own self worth- making them even more amazing.

In life, what can we do to stop living in the fear of not trusting other people?

My future HOME

I don't know why, but I am SO obsessed with the vintage look.

I think my future husband will hate to live with me, because he'll feel very much like a girl.

but dundundun.. here is a layout of what I want my living room, kitchen, and bathroom to look like.. :)

I am very big on white, off white, beige, and flowers :)

Product Review

A quick review.

I was at the target store looking around, its always exciting to just be in there. haha

I usually go to sephora for makeup or lotions etc..

but there was always this one product I always wanted to try at target but .. was too scared to try..

but luckily, today there was a representative for the line (no idea why) but she was there and it was really nice to talk to her.

This product company is from "boots"

they produce several different lines for various problems. I've seen them in magazines before along with olay as being one of the best "cheapest" products to use.

I was looking for a night cream because I ran out of my burts bees radiance night cream- which I feel was very good but felt like it doesn't hurt to try something new.

I liked the texture of the botanics line because they use ginseng, alfalfa, and some use grape extracts just like caudalie line does. The difference is the price.. I usually drop $40.00 for a lotion at sephora and for an itty bitty bottle, while the botanics boots line cost max $12.00. HUGE difference. I tested it on my wrist of course to make sure I'm not super allergic, and I was surprised to see how INCREDIBLY soft it made my skin! I was originally going to buy this huge bottle just cuz I liked the feeling of it, but the lady was like .. that's for VERY mature, old lady skin.. HAHAH and she referred me to the "pre-wrinkle creams" for younger people. Same concept but not as harsh. I consented and now i'm trying wrinkle reduction serum~ which I just used and am VERY happy with :) I know we don't have wrinkles now, but I think if we start now, it'll be better as we age.

But then she thought I might be using an intense moisturizer which isn't right for my skin- this can leave you with an oily residue etc.. and I was like oh?

She said I should use a lotion with sun protection and something that is light- this I totally agree with- and so for my DAY moisturizer we were reading up on the No. 7 line. - We both concluded the rebalancing lotion is right for my skin type.. and as of now I totally agree! Keeps you oil free longer. phew.

So today felt like a total success- not only will I be saving a LOT of money, but I can be happy with a new product. :) Glad I can test it. lol

Oh and fyi, they also have a vintage line, where they use vintage packaging. Just the look of it makes me giddy. I LOVE THE VINTAGE LOOK. It'll look good for my future house lol, next to my bathtub which will also be vintage :) I just really want to design my own home now. Excited for the future! but now i'm off topic lol.

I think my next post should be all the furniture I want in my future apt :)

Karma

I sort of believe in KARMA
well not in the way that everyone else uses that term.
I feel like to me KARMA and ATTITUDE are interchangeable

I realized that a good day and a bad day is usually based on how we view the day with our attitude.

There are days I wake up, feel happy and bump into people that are kind and sweet,
the day goes smoothly, things happen where I state "I am so lucky", then BAM! it hits you, you encounter a arrogant man, a person honks at you as you are driving, people are rude, they cut you in line, they critisize you at work. My day turns from something so amazing to a day where I just want to go home because I can no longer smile.I feel so dark and angry. This attitude carries on to everything and everyone. I'm unable to view things as blessings but rather as an annoyance. I hate that, I hate how one little thing can ruin my day, and no matter what, I feel helpless because I can't create that original happiness anymore. ahh this is what stress is.

I also know when my heart turns dark, my attitude and intent turns dark. I hate people that have a bad heart, and I have to admit there are times I am SO angry inside that my heart becomes consumed with evil thoughts and feelings. Even though you think you recovered from this, the darkness continues to linger on and prevents good things to happen to you. I felt a little under the weather, no idea why, maybe because I feel sort of lost in my life, and that is causing me to stress and worry about the unnecessary. I don't know how to stop worrying, and I think all my anger, stress, just all the negative energy surrounding me is seriously attracting a lot of bad things to attack me.

Please let things get better..
:(
I don't want stress to consume me and dictate how I live..
For a while now, I tried putting on a positive attitude and avoided the negative thoughts..
but I believe I cracked.. and now i'm falling apart :/
I need to hear some good news, I want to feel safe again.
Perhaps I should pray for it.

Change me.

So much going on in my mind. So much happening around me.

Its hard to sleep, hard to breathe because I am overwhelmed and consumed by it all.

But what?

I don't even know for sure, but NO ONE can control it but myself.

Let's just say I lost myself.

I became a person that I hated and let that control me.

I know who I want to be.

Its time to change.

Its time to let go of insecurities, worries, doubt..

and live in the moment.

live day by day.

Yes... there will be the ups and downs..

but LIFE has a reason for EVERYTHING.

its time to accept the facts, its time to accept what it is.. and ignore the negative.

I only have myself to control.. I only have myself to think about.. I can ONLY change myself..

Its time for my change.

How do I start living this way? Ignorance

What you don't know, can't hurt you.

This maybe a STUPID way to live.. but its the ONLY way to live..

No more safety precautions, no more holding back.

I am in control of myself... so I can only work on myself.. to better myself.. and stay strong.

Friendship

Friendship...

Can be such a beautiful thing or deadly to any social life.

As people get older, I feel like the meaning of friendship becomes an issue.

When we were all younger, we played with whomever, whoever, whatever.

But as we mature into teenagers or adulthood, we become pickier and stick with people who we ultimately: Trust, use, or have the same interest.

No one is now just friends..

If you look around you, we only have a few we can call our best friends and many we can call our acquaintances. But how are we choosing, and why do many leave you abandoned?

Trust is a huge deal breaker. Not many people in this world are reliable, friendly, genuine, and ultimately trustworthy. I don't know why that is, maybe they just had a terrible childhood.. but there are so many people in this world you have to be weary about. Its so sad, but getting hurt by someone you think.. you thought... was such an amazing friend can leave you guarded and closed off, that no one would want to get close to you in the end. So to find those trustworthy friends, is like finding treasure. Something to cherish and never take for granted. Keep them close. :)

As we get older, I notice that people tend to latch on to people that are beneficial to them. Its such a selfish act, but I see more and more of this playing out. All I see behind those eyes are USERS. They use people to gain something, to get ahead for themselves. I hate people like this. They no longer have the need to care about another person, but themselves.. so they put on this facade and their amazing acting abilities to make you THINK they are your friends. Never let people step all over you.... you don't need people like this. They take everything from you- time and energy. Don't waste it. Use it on friends that are clearly your friends without strings attached.

Interest- A key thing to making people closer. I already have friends with WAY different interest than me- but we bonded because we initially had something in common. Now, even though everyone has grown up and gone a different path, the essence of familiarity has ultimately sealed the deal to life long friendship. I approve of this kind of friendship because it shows that they can survive through the ups and downs in life- and even separation. :) But now as I am on this path in life and I hardly see anyone with my interest, it makes it difficult for me to talk about my passions without a similar perspective being involved. That is why I am so excited to attend Grad school.. pray that I get in.. so that I can meet fellow peers engaging in the same activities as me, and I can bask in a friendship that is based on what we love to do. I'm excited for that.

Broken friendships- some are worth fixing and others are just meant to leave alone. People that were once so close to you, that now faded... is such a sad situation.. but it is life. It takes TWO to tango.. if one departs.. its the end of a wonderful friendship :/ .