Friendship

This topic has been lurking on my mind for a while..
you know I realized that all people view the term and meaning of "friendship"
very differently.

Personally,
I use it as one of the deepest form of relationship a person can have.
I am the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve
and I'm not afraid to show it.. even though it makes me vulnerable, it also makes me stronger.
That is why, I don't take my friendship with people lightly
and its extremely offensive when they aren't equal in effort, love, and respect.

I have learned from a rough path,
to cut those that affect me negatively
and to embrace those that build me up.

I constantly strive to be a good friend
and I put a lot of my time and energy into them,
its just sad when it isn't reciprocated
and many people in this world, use friendship.. as a temporary fix to help fill a void

I choose to cut..
sad to see
those around me, will probably not be around 5 yrs from now. :(

My stage

So I am currently in this awkward stage of my life
where I am just STUCK
I thought people only stay in this state for what.. 1-2 yrs
but I definitely feel like it is much longer for me, and it is only leading to more depression..

I need movement, I need change, and I need something to get my attention away from feeling so LOST
its so hard to change my perception especially when I have nothing to look forward to in the moment.

I am working my butt off in a job that pays me NOTHING
I am living pay check to pay check
My best friend lives FAR from me now
and I seriously have to spend a lot of my days ALONE
EVER since she left I seriously have no one to talk to, or enjoy doing exciting things with..
she was my go to girl, she was my best friend..
and please don't think my boyfriend.. is enough..
BOYS are NEVER enough in a girls life..
they don't even understand you half the time.. and when they try to console you thru a troubling time, often times they make it WORSE..
I am waiting on schools to get back to me.. but that will take 2 more months
and I used to travel- A LOT and now.. i am stuck in this STUPID SGV ... in seriously a FRKN BUBBLE..
doing the same frkn thing everyday
and I can't change anything NOR MOVE because I HAVE NO MONEY, NOR SAVINGs to TRYYYYYYY anything different..
I can't miss a single day of work.. and life seriously feels like the ULTIMATE LOW..
this ALL BLOWS..
and I CAN"T HELP BUT VENT...

In my mind..

I have an image in my head...
ideal but can be made real.
I'm not..irrational in the way I think
and I feel that life can turn out to be as great as we make it to be

What's important to me:
1) family- i can't wait to have my own kids and have so much fun with my husband
2) relationships- I hope we continue to LOVE LOVE LOVE
3) friends- I hope I find a close knit of friends that reciprocate in effort
4) career- I hope all the efforts I put in will always result in excellence
5) interior design- I can't wait to design my future house
5) tea - want to COLLECT all things TEA
6) ballet- Want to continue
7) science - want a career in it
8) fashion - want to be up to date with it
9) GOD - want to DRAW closer to HIM <3

afraid

He said he was afraid of my love..
how so I wondered..

He said he knows that i'm happy-
but my reasons for being happy is because I painted a perfect picture of him in my mind and heart
He must think so low of himself- and not worthy because
he is afraid that one day I will see this ugly side of him, and walk away...

What does this mean?
should I be afraid?