Peace of mind

Recent breakup-
Not of my doing.

How do I take it?
fairly well..
actually VERY well

I have absolutely no bitterness, anger, or if i did.. it literally lasted an hr.

this relationship was definitely different
because he was genuinely kind.
he was kind.
he was absolutely good to me.
The more I think of him,
the more respect I have for him...
and the more I think
I keep thinking its my fault..

I know people tell me not to blame me..
but you know what, who is to take the blame..
when he did nothing wrong..
the only wrong he did was probably just giving me a "weak" fight..
but I guess I didn't allow room for a fight..

I am NOT this girl- this crazy girl..
but when I become dependent on a guy,
or really fall for him..
i change..
and I HATE that about me.
I become just another girl, when I know better.
I become this crazy girl that feels like I deserve MORE.. or BETTER..
and I always have this innate fear in me
that they will wake up one day and just not love me anymore
they will realize they made a mistake.
and I let all that consume me..
and of course it destroys a beautiful relationship..

it killed us.

the reason I went into shock from the break up was because..
it was SO good..
so good to the point.. that a break up seemed impossible.
but I fell into my own fears- and stopped being "me"
I just felt so sad..that it wasn't enough, or that i wasn't enough..
my sadness made him run..
maybe to protect himself..
but it was smart..
gawd, who would want to deal with me..

I'm definitely not ready to be in a relationship..
not now, nor anytime soon.

I respect this guy very much..
and my heart will always be happy that I experienced this type of "love"
so I am very much at peace with him, with my heart, with the breakup.