anger

Anger arises so quickly in the hearts of men.

it .. drives us to disregard all consequences
say things out loud to hurt people and ourselves..
that is my anger..

In the peace and quiet of my own soul, comes out this ugly thing
and it controls me,
my every thought
and my every word

i'm angry

family life is and will never be easy.

anew

sigh, new year. new me?
I just want to be wiser and make better decisions.

New Years Resolution

1) Be Frugal - save money like crazy
2) Pray everyday- for myself and others
3) Read the bible everyday for strength and encouragement
4) be a homebody
5) Invest more time with my sister/ nephew
6) be a good friend
7) Eat healthy- fruits/ veggies/ less fried things/ no eating past 8
8) Pay off CREDIT CARDS
9)
10)

stages

So I'm sitting with a bunch of friends
a team of us that went to missions to Africa..
yup, we still keep in touch and meet about once every 6 months.
its really nice, because they are the most hilarious people ever..
Well.. put us together and you got a never ending entertainment.

But this is all besides the point.
The real thing I wanted to mention was how similar we all were in figuring out our lives..
I mean.. we are all about the same age range
some still in school, some applying to grad school, and the rest working in a job they hope will bump them up to senior positions...
Yup, all of us are all stuck on the same boat.. not knowing where it will lead nor... what will happen to us in the future..

When it comes to relationships, some are taken - in serious relationships..
others dating
and the rest single.. some desperate and others not looking.
Oddly, one of the serious ones are of me and my bf. :)

I am always the most interested in other people's lives..
sometimes more than my own..
everyone has a unique story to share and a unique future..
knowing where they will be in several years from now makes me smile..

lawyers, OT, accountants, healthcare providers.. etc.. endless amount of options and potential..
lets check in five years from now and see where they are then..
because its amazing to see how far we came from 5 yrs ago the day we all met.

the stories of my friends .. I will like to see how it all plays out :P

Merry Christmas!

I think I just realized that I have the best boyfriend in the WHOLE world...


Well after talking to my bestie katt..
we both realized all girls usually like to test their boyfriend.. test them to the extreme
so we can determine if they will truly stay with us thru thick and thin..

its hard to be complete in a relationship, especially when you don't really trust them..
NOT that you don't trust them personally~ just that you don't trust ANYONE to hold ur heart...

I learned tho, that my boyfriend... is asking me to trust him.. because he is so willing to be selfless for me..
Even though I put him thru some girly dramatic.. psychotic.. lecture about what he said..
he just listened..

his silence scared me..
I thought even more into it.. and thought he just didn't care LOL..
so we had a "silent day" of not communicating the next day..
which scared me even more.. and made me ANGRY.
lol <- see overly dramatic.. its in my blood..

but anyways.. that whole day he was planning, building, creating something special/ romantic for meeeee
to give me the best christmas eve date ever..
omg.. if you guys see how much thought he put into it!! I LOVEEEEE it.. the day was perfect :)
I just love spending the WHOLE day with himmm

hehe but anyways.. I'm glad that we are able to talk anything out, and that he's got me pretty figured out :P
i'm happier than ever..
:)

MERRY CHRISTMAS. I SPREAD THE JOY.. however it may come to you guys..

ideal

You know what I always wanted in a relationship?
Two people madly, deeply in love..
Two people that can't stand to be apart.. and make each other their world..

but who am I kidding..
there is just so much crap to deal with..
LOVE becomes a mere "to do" list..
Its the sad reality.

I have always been the one to believe in fairy tales
and true love..
and just when I thought I found it,
reality hits..

P: "You probably wouldn't support me if I moved away" he said
S: "um, yes I would, why would you say that? "
P: "Because you will be sad if I left.."
S: "I know, but you would be fully supportive of me if I moved away right?"
P: "Of course, I can't stop you from doing whatever you want"
S: "So does that mean you won't be sad if I left?"
P: "You are twisting my words.. but I am saying I would be ok."

That was the conversation.. that hit me.. pretty hard..
he would be OK? and he knows I will be SAD?
Guys all think they have me figured out because of my lovey dovey side..
but I am definitely NOT about putting myself out there more than the guy
I have learned my lesson from my last relationship, and I am REALLY.. upset at what he said..

He probably worded it wrong, just because he is a hopeless romantic himself..
but.. it was enough to sort of make me step back..

Its really irritating..
the stupid things boys say..
it makes girls do crazy things..
like.. REALLY distance myself..

alwndiandaiwdnawid relationships are frustrating no matter how amazing it is..

Time

Time is a funny thing.
It gets you to point A to point B
without you realizing.

Time heals all wounds..
or it just helps fade bad memories

Time ages you
physically and mentally
and time provides unknown opportunities.

We wait on time...
they say timing is everything
and "oh what perfect timing"

and that is exactly what time is.

As I'm sitting here in my friends apartment, beautifully furnished
(set up: modern/ vintage
christmas lights wrapped around each post
random furniture compiled together creating a warm ambiance.)

I can't help but be ENVIOUS.
this is what I want..
this is where I want to be..
they aren't much older than I am..
so I'm sad that the path I have chosen for myself.. will take me a lot longer to get where they are now.. kind of.. sucks :(
but I know.. it isn't my time to be there quite yet.
TIMING .. my time.. your time.. we all vary..
its about enjoying the moments and people during this "time"

The key is not to move too fast or too slow.. but walk, pause, breathe, then continue..
Its probably one of the hardest things to do..
because life.. ends.. when it is our "time"

Shopaholic

So I recently re- watched Confessions of a Shopaholic
and I couldn't help but think to myself.. Gah, she is so stupid..
just stop shopping!!

but then again.. I looked to myself..
and wondered "am I a shopaholic?"
I question myself sometimes

Not that I live extravagantly or even shop top notch brands
I mean, I am a pretty frugal person, look for sales, and cut out coupons
but the fact that I shop pretty often
I feel like I can be an "addict"

:/

I mean even spending $20 a day is still a lot of money
and doing the math I spend about $60- $80 a day..
but how.. and I wonder if I just STOP.. won't I be super rich?! :D lol

So I try to stop but I can't help but feel that I have NO clothes, and when I am craving something, I can't help but go buy it.
I swear I am a fat girl stuck in this little body.
but anyways, I vowed before my friend NEVER again will I SHOP nor eat out..
except these.. exceptions:
1) once a wk with friends (because I can't isolate myself forever!!! btw, I used to go out every day to have dinner with different friends, I have a problem with mixing them, I know i'm weird)
2) After a certain period of time, I am allowed to shop once a month

There was ONE slippage tho,
couple days ago, I had to rush out because I was late to work and I hated what I threw on
I felt like an old homeless grandma so I bought a cute tank top, but ppl that know me, are fully aware that I never have cash, and of courseeeee the register would say minimum purchase $10 to use card..
grr damn me.. so I scan the store for a quick 10 min, and find a REALLY cute top..
totals out to $20 for 2 shirts. not bad right? but major fail on my vow -_-
grr, but I have been somewhat good..

I used to have this belief that if you LOVE it to death, then you should buy it, because if you don't you will regret it, and it will be gone..
but now i'm thinking, "DO I NEED IT? and HOW LONG WILL I LOVE IT?"
very important questions to ask, and when you do, you will be surprised by your very own answer!!
:P

K I hope I can.. do this!

a song

The "What If" song by Jason Derulo has been playing over and over
purposefully lol.. because I love hearing the words..
its the sweetest SONG I ever heard, and its my thoughts in a song
how so?

Well the song is about taking a chance with someone, and possibly that risk could lead to something deep and wonderful-
"a future" together..

I love the words "imagine me on one knee, with the perfect diamond ring"

That's exactly what I do with my boyfriend haha
I always fast forward in my head
and I love that he lets me talk about it with him, and he is just as excited about it as I am..

I picture us together, where ever..
having our own place first, cooking for each other, just being in a room together in silence.. just loving him..
and then I imagine us being engaged.. him proposing out of no where..
then I picture my wedding day with him..(I already have my ideal wedding dress and ring prepared LOL- I know i'm weird but he's ok with that lol)
Then I imagine our honeymoon-
and.. just our future when he can come home to ME
and I imagine him kissing my cheek as I sleep, and he heads off to work
and where I prepare his dinner and just relax on the couch watching a movie

I just love being with him.. and he tells me the same.. :D
sigh, I want to tell him I love him..
but I know its too soon, and my heart just might be... a little too giddy lol..

He likes to tell me how he hopes he can spend the rest of his life with me :D
I like when he tells me things like that HAHAHAH..