Weak

I am emotionally vulnerable, weak, and unstable..
FOR NOW.

of course I let my heart go thru SO much and never allowed it to heal.
Each time a person goes in and out of my life..
even friends..
my heart slowly tears apart piece by piece.

I am still in the process of healing..
and still in the process of understanding

I am striving to become tougher and stronger
because they say after something breaks apart-
its becomes tougher, stronger, and more durable.

I know what pain feels like
and I think the heartache that my dad caused
has been the greatest-
it was my FIRST heart break

That is the heart I did not allow to heal,
boys will try to mend it
but they fail
and they go because they feel like failures...
sigh never satisfied. and never will be till i'm satisfied with myself.

But yes, I am still weak
and.. I fail all the time..
so knowing there is nothing here for me in LA
helps me LOOK forward to NEW YORK

I really do hope I develop an entirely NEW perspective on life.
and just love, care, and be myself
I hope to really find myself out there
and meet really great ppl.
let the countdown begin!

Being Single

When you're in a relationship,
you no longer have your own life.
As much as you do things apart,
you still have bear responsibility
to your other half,
you are consumed with them
you think about them
what they are doing
making sure you guys are communicating on a daily basis.
It's a lot of work
and its a lot of $ <- you spend like triple what you would being single.
Now all of this stuff isn't bad..
but because it is so time consuming
its only nice when you are fully prepared.

Some of us aren't ready
no matter how much we want a relationship with the special someone
I've realized that..
if we still have lingering dreams
we might have to reevaluate if you are READY.

I have great dreams,
to have a great career
to travel the world
to open a clinic in Africa
etc.
I would love to do this with someone..
but in reality this is my dream and no one elses.

I'm heading on my path,
and a lot of men have fallen short
they can't deal with women with such great ambitions..
when they are the last things on their mind.
I enjoy the feeling of a relationship
but I suck at being in one

I constantly make the guy a priority
I sacrifice my time to spend with them and less with friends/ family
I spend way too much money to buy them the best gifts..
and we eat out a LOT

soo all in all..
being single..
is actually so refreshing..
I do everything I need to do
and am becoming even more ambitious.

So many career minded women who have risen at the top
marry past their 30's and there is a reason
they let no man stop them in their tracks

I def. envy my friend nancy ly
who closes off the world so she can achieve her DREAMS
she made it at the age of 23 as a doctor of dental surgery.
HOW AMAZING is that?
there are great ppl in this world and I want to be one..
I feel like.. I'm just bubbling with so much energy..
so I can't wait to start my new life in NEW YORK
and ENJOY EVERYTHING IT has to offer

Good bye LA. I never liked you :(

Dump him, Keep him

i've learned to pick up some tips on WHAT TO WATCH FOR in MEN.. and leave them when they show any signs of THIS... its better for you and your TIME!

1) A man that can't take criticism
MEN like this are immature, and they are hard to talk to or deal with. They can't stand for change and are extremely insecure.
2) A man that decreases in effort
3) A man that can't support you - financially, emotionally
4) A man that won't change for you-
it seriously should come naturally, if you want more encouraging words from him, he should be able to provide ur needs
5) A man that is materialistic
6) A man that doesn't prioritize you
7) A man that does not have a stable job
8) A man that is still figuring out his own life
9) A man that can't confront
10) A man that isn't in touch with his emotions
11) A man that does things for you with hesitation
12) A man afraid of love and the even the WORD
13) A man that thinks too much when he is with you <- serious doubt mode
14) A man that thinks you are an OPTION
15) A man that doesn't treat you like the queen you are
16) A man that does not FIGHT for you or STAND UP FOR YOU
17) A man that CAN"T see ur perspective
18) A man that can't sympathize
19) A man that is ANGRY
20) A man that still lives with his parents
21) A man stuck in his own WORLD and comfort..<- BORING

IF YOUR MAN is ANY OF THE ABOVE..
RUN..
RUN FAR FAR AWAY!
=) that is all..

Peace of mind

Recent breakup-
Not of my doing.

How do I take it?
fairly well..
actually VERY well

I have absolutely no bitterness, anger, or if i did.. it literally lasted an hr.

this relationship was definitely different
because he was genuinely kind.
he was kind.
he was absolutely good to me.
The more I think of him,
the more respect I have for him...
and the more I think
I keep thinking its my fault..

I know people tell me not to blame me..
but you know what, who is to take the blame..
when he did nothing wrong..
the only wrong he did was probably just giving me a "weak" fight..
but I guess I didn't allow room for a fight..

I am NOT this girl- this crazy girl..
but when I become dependent on a guy,
or really fall for him..
i change..
and I HATE that about me.
I become just another girl, when I know better.
I become this crazy girl that feels like I deserve MORE.. or BETTER..
and I always have this innate fear in me
that they will wake up one day and just not love me anymore
they will realize they made a mistake.
and I let all that consume me..
and of course it destroys a beautiful relationship..

it killed us.

the reason I went into shock from the break up was because..
it was SO good..
so good to the point.. that a break up seemed impossible.
but I fell into my own fears- and stopped being "me"
I just felt so sad..that it wasn't enough, or that i wasn't enough..
my sadness made him run..
maybe to protect himself..
but it was smart..
gawd, who would want to deal with me..

I'm definitely not ready to be in a relationship..
not now, nor anytime soon.

I respect this guy very much..
and my heart will always be happy that I experienced this type of "love"
so I am very much at peace with him, with my heart, with the breakup.

My style

Everyone approaches life in very different ways
When a conflict occurs,
some people think and approach it in the most rational way possible
others, they take it to the extreme and fall into utter depression.

It is a constant learning process that most of us take years to learn
or its a simple matter of just moving on.

I never knew my "style"
until people that knew me a lot
would mention
"oh, you know u always do this..?"
and I say.. uh?.. really?
its really interesting actually.

Just talking to my dad-
he would say
'i'm too adamant about what I want, and I get really sad because there may be possible complications"
he said the only reason "family" can tolerate this... "flaw" of mine, is because they are the only one that aren't affected by it-
they know my heart and I know theirs
but when it comes to strangers- their tolerance is a lot lower and they fail to understand me.. Hopefully one day..
I will understand who I am-
but for now... I am still so immature
and my approach to life is still in the "negative" area..

A piece of wisdom

So I talk to a guy friend of mine-
he is very YOUNG
but his words were very mature..

He said simply this:

" You need to find a man that is able to communicate and above all else be able to take criticism"

I was in a relationship with a guy I thought was perfect-
but as you can see he wasn't.
He bottled up so much just to keep peace-
and when something went wrong- he took it the wrong way and walked away.

I do have a lot of things to work on myself,
but now I know the importance of looking for a man with those particular qualities because its really important
to be able to grow and strive together-
Not "pretend" to be happy as you bottle things up along the way.
People explode that way and its scary...
and above all else- extremely heart breaking.

Acceptance

So I do realize now,
after so many attempts of maintaining a failed relationship
what my problem is..

I HAVE MAJOR issues with
HIGH expectations

:(

I constantly desire a type of relationship
where the love is constantly GROWING
not.. just getting "comfortable"
I hate that..
I JUST HATE IT..

but yes, ppl say "omg thats life!"
well if i'm constantly striving to make the relationship better
why can't they?
why do they like to stop trying
and just cruise by..? WHAT IS THAT...
sucks..

I never make promises I can't keep,
I am who I am..
and thats who they claim to "fall for"
but to please me,
they make all these promises and act a certain way that they think will make me happy.
Well it doesn't
it just comes off as fake, and really hard to read..
then they become resentful.. of YOU
what is that?!

so yes I have come to the conclusion that I need to give a guy more slack
Although, I wanted to with my most recent relationship,
something in me just didn't want to give him that slack
because I knew he was getting way too comfortable..
To the point where it just got "boring"
the relationship got "boring"
it was a good relationship
but its not mine..
its not what I want
and that SADNESS was exposed so clearly
that he walked away because it made him feel like a failure.
He was smart to walk away.. although I think it was weak
it was smart in the long run
and I'm thankful for him
and glad he treated me well..

I just wanted more..
and if that desire is there, then obviously no matter how good the relationship is,
its just not right..
the right person will always make you feel complete..
not like a little piece is missing..
this was a good run. I'm glad it happened. :)