Egocentrism

Ever feel like your life is on a movie set,
cameras rolling
and you're the main character?

or do you feel like the invisible one,
just another person in the crowd?

its amazing how our personalities develop
and makes us who we are today.

we fall under one of those two categories
but I guess it all depends on how established your "self esteem" is.

Believe it or not,
when we were much younger,
when we were naive
and we saw the world as beautiful and innocent,
we all developed the same way (normal development that is)
our pre-operational stages or what not, we all believed we were invincible.
we were all EGOCENTRIC

that belief still lingers in some adults these days,
and I believe that egocentrism is what brought them to be someone GREAT.
self esteem. self motivators, self- doers.
these are the people I respect.
I honor them, because they DON"T WASTE THEIR LIFE

every moment I feel like i waste my life.. I just want to kill myself..

its like HI I"M SHARON,
now what am I doing?

I feel it ... inside of me.. something GREAT is about to happen..
I don't know when... but I feel it coming..
because I CHOOSE never to give up..
on faith.

Who am I? Who are you?

It's amazing how we are given one life,
and we can choose to be anybody at any given time.

we may not be able to change our circumstances,
but we can push towards "change"
much greatness comes with a change in yourself.

all my values, views, morals, etc..
comes down to what I CHOSE.

I live with it, I stick with it..
and that is what sets me apart from you .. from them...

but at any given moment, I can change..
I can hate the things I once loved
and love the things I once hated..

but that's life right?

New york was such an amazing "change" for me...
its actually something that I needed..
I don't know if its my escape place yet, but it taught me that
california is not where I ever want to be.

In order to be completely myself, and find myself
I need to keep following my dreams
my hopes
my heart...

once I do that, I know I will lose myself
because I will get caught up in my new life..
but the amazing part is, I need to lose my old self
to find the "better" me.

its there, but now its my time to just come out and be a NEW YORKER. :)

Weak

I am emotionally vulnerable, weak, and unstable..
FOR NOW.

of course I let my heart go thru SO much and never allowed it to heal.
Each time a person goes in and out of my life..
even friends..
my heart slowly tears apart piece by piece.

I am still in the process of healing..
and still in the process of understanding

I am striving to become tougher and stronger
because they say after something breaks apart-
its becomes tougher, stronger, and more durable.

I know what pain feels like
and I think the heartache that my dad caused
has been the greatest-
it was my FIRST heart break

That is the heart I did not allow to heal,
boys will try to mend it
but they fail
and they go because they feel like failures...
sigh never satisfied. and never will be till i'm satisfied with myself.

But yes, I am still weak
and.. I fail all the time..
so knowing there is nothing here for me in LA
helps me LOOK forward to NEW YORK

I really do hope I develop an entirely NEW perspective on life.
and just love, care, and be myself
I hope to really find myself out there
and meet really great ppl.
let the countdown begin!

Being Single

When you're in a relationship,
you no longer have your own life.
As much as you do things apart,
you still have bear responsibility
to your other half,
you are consumed with them
you think about them
what they are doing
making sure you guys are communicating on a daily basis.
It's a lot of work
and its a lot of $ <- you spend like triple what you would being single.
Now all of this stuff isn't bad..
but because it is so time consuming
its only nice when you are fully prepared.

Some of us aren't ready
no matter how much we want a relationship with the special someone
I've realized that..
if we still have lingering dreams
we might have to reevaluate if you are READY.

I have great dreams,
to have a great career
to travel the world
to open a clinic in Africa
etc.
I would love to do this with someone..
but in reality this is my dream and no one elses.

I'm heading on my path,
and a lot of men have fallen short
they can't deal with women with such great ambitions..
when they are the last things on their mind.
I enjoy the feeling of a relationship
but I suck at being in one

I constantly make the guy a priority
I sacrifice my time to spend with them and less with friends/ family
I spend way too much money to buy them the best gifts..
and we eat out a LOT

soo all in all..
being single..
is actually so refreshing..
I do everything I need to do
and am becoming even more ambitious.

So many career minded women who have risen at the top
marry past their 30's and there is a reason
they let no man stop them in their tracks

I def. envy my friend nancy ly
who closes off the world so she can achieve her DREAMS
she made it at the age of 23 as a doctor of dental surgery.
HOW AMAZING is that?
there are great ppl in this world and I want to be one..
I feel like.. I'm just bubbling with so much energy..
so I can't wait to start my new life in NEW YORK
and ENJOY EVERYTHING IT has to offer

Good bye LA. I never liked you :(

Dump him, Keep him

i've learned to pick up some tips on WHAT TO WATCH FOR in MEN.. and leave them when they show any signs of THIS... its better for you and your TIME!

1) A man that can't take criticism
MEN like this are immature, and they are hard to talk to or deal with. They can't stand for change and are extremely insecure.
2) A man that decreases in effort
3) A man that can't support you - financially, emotionally
4) A man that won't change for you-
it seriously should come naturally, if you want more encouraging words from him, he should be able to provide ur needs
5) A man that is materialistic
6) A man that doesn't prioritize you
7) A man that does not have a stable job
8) A man that is still figuring out his own life
9) A man that can't confront
10) A man that isn't in touch with his emotions
11) A man that does things for you with hesitation
12) A man afraid of love and the even the WORD
13) A man that thinks too much when he is with you <- serious doubt mode
14) A man that thinks you are an OPTION
15) A man that doesn't treat you like the queen you are
16) A man that does not FIGHT for you or STAND UP FOR YOU
17) A man that CAN"T see ur perspective
18) A man that can't sympathize
19) A man that is ANGRY
20) A man that still lives with his parents
21) A man stuck in his own WORLD and comfort..<- BORING

IF YOUR MAN is ANY OF THE ABOVE..
RUN..
RUN FAR FAR AWAY!
=) that is all..

Peace of mind

Recent breakup-
Not of my doing.

How do I take it?
fairly well..
actually VERY well

I have absolutely no bitterness, anger, or if i did.. it literally lasted an hr.

this relationship was definitely different
because he was genuinely kind.
he was kind.
he was absolutely good to me.
The more I think of him,
the more respect I have for him...
and the more I think
I keep thinking its my fault..

I know people tell me not to blame me..
but you know what, who is to take the blame..
when he did nothing wrong..
the only wrong he did was probably just giving me a "weak" fight..
but I guess I didn't allow room for a fight..

I am NOT this girl- this crazy girl..
but when I become dependent on a guy,
or really fall for him..
i change..
and I HATE that about me.
I become just another girl, when I know better.
I become this crazy girl that feels like I deserve MORE.. or BETTER..
and I always have this innate fear in me
that they will wake up one day and just not love me anymore
they will realize they made a mistake.
and I let all that consume me..
and of course it destroys a beautiful relationship..

it killed us.

the reason I went into shock from the break up was because..
it was SO good..
so good to the point.. that a break up seemed impossible.
but I fell into my own fears- and stopped being "me"
I just felt so sad..that it wasn't enough, or that i wasn't enough..
my sadness made him run..
maybe to protect himself..
but it was smart..
gawd, who would want to deal with me..

I'm definitely not ready to be in a relationship..
not now, nor anytime soon.

I respect this guy very much..
and my heart will always be happy that I experienced this type of "love"
so I am very much at peace with him, with my heart, with the breakup.

My style

Everyone approaches life in very different ways
When a conflict occurs,
some people think and approach it in the most rational way possible
others, they take it to the extreme and fall into utter depression.

It is a constant learning process that most of us take years to learn
or its a simple matter of just moving on.

I never knew my "style"
until people that knew me a lot
would mention
"oh, you know u always do this..?"
and I say.. uh?.. really?
its really interesting actually.

Just talking to my dad-
he would say
'i'm too adamant about what I want, and I get really sad because there may be possible complications"
he said the only reason "family" can tolerate this... "flaw" of mine, is because they are the only one that aren't affected by it-
they know my heart and I know theirs
but when it comes to strangers- their tolerance is a lot lower and they fail to understand me.. Hopefully one day..
I will understand who I am-
but for now... I am still so immature
and my approach to life is still in the "negative" area..

A piece of wisdom

So I talk to a guy friend of mine-
he is very YOUNG
but his words were very mature..

He said simply this:

" You need to find a man that is able to communicate and above all else be able to take criticism"

I was in a relationship with a guy I thought was perfect-
but as you can see he wasn't.
He bottled up so much just to keep peace-
and when something went wrong- he took it the wrong way and walked away.

I do have a lot of things to work on myself,
but now I know the importance of looking for a man with those particular qualities because its really important
to be able to grow and strive together-
Not "pretend" to be happy as you bottle things up along the way.
People explode that way and its scary...
and above all else- extremely heart breaking.

Acceptance

So I do realize now,
after so many attempts of maintaining a failed relationship
what my problem is..

I HAVE MAJOR issues with
HIGH expectations

:(

I constantly desire a type of relationship
where the love is constantly GROWING
not.. just getting "comfortable"
I hate that..
I JUST HATE IT..

but yes, ppl say "omg thats life!"
well if i'm constantly striving to make the relationship better
why can't they?
why do they like to stop trying
and just cruise by..? WHAT IS THAT...
sucks..

I never make promises I can't keep,
I am who I am..
and thats who they claim to "fall for"
but to please me,
they make all these promises and act a certain way that they think will make me happy.
Well it doesn't
it just comes off as fake, and really hard to read..
then they become resentful.. of YOU
what is that?!

so yes I have come to the conclusion that I need to give a guy more slack
Although, I wanted to with my most recent relationship,
something in me just didn't want to give him that slack
because I knew he was getting way too comfortable..
To the point where it just got "boring"
the relationship got "boring"
it was a good relationship
but its not mine..
its not what I want
and that SADNESS was exposed so clearly
that he walked away because it made him feel like a failure.
He was smart to walk away.. although I think it was weak
it was smart in the long run
and I'm thankful for him
and glad he treated me well..

I just wanted more..
and if that desire is there, then obviously no matter how good the relationship is,
its just not right..
the right person will always make you feel complete..
not like a little piece is missing..
this was a good run. I'm glad it happened. :)

Do not worry

I am a huge worry wart..
anyone that knows me, knows that's one of my more stand- out - ish
characteristics.

Its really hard for me to take in "bad" things..
and sometimes I think they are dreams, and that I just need to wake up..
I think i'm prone to falling into depression .. deep depression one of these days
cuz its so hard for me to pick myself up. :(

Everyday, it seems like I receive a life stressor-
like there is never a break for me..
I constantly need to be worrying about something

life is really tiring to live..
esp my life, when 90% of the things go wrong.
YES i want to see the sunny side of things,
but its hard especially when I'm constantly being slapped in the face :(
Well,

I should take advice from both the bible
and from friends..

DO NOT WORRY :
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

and for people that tell me:
It happens! meh.
ahha true, a lot of things happen to people,
so just keep on swimming.. keep going

I suppose.. this will be one of my greater lessons in life.

Difference

There is something about differences in people- it can be good or it can be very bad.
I guess there is always some kind of "compromising" that must be done in a relationship
but I strongly believe in changing the BARE minimum.

To love someone's flaws perfectly.
man, its so rare to find that kind of love.
I know i'm not hopeless when it comes to that, but I sure feel.. far from it.

Yes, I always rave about my boyfriend being so great, and don't get me wrong, he is amazing!
He's amazing in a lot of aspects,
but taking a closer look..
he seems like the perfect guy from afar,
the details of our relationship however don't seem to add up to me.
No matter how much I try to squish the pieces together,
I can't seem to fit them..
Something feels off
something feels wrong..
and my heart can't help but..
drift

I can't seem to really find what's wrong.. but I'm thinking
there just doesn't seem to be enough passion-
this Passion or fire that I see in perfect couples..
its there.. in the smallest way..
but its not there for me..
I'm so stagnant in this relationship,
not drowning nor growing from it,
and I don't think feeling this way is healthy.

Why is it so hard to find a guy that is CRAZY about me..
I no longer blame the guy,
I think maybe there is just something wrong with me..
Not that i'm a horrible person, but just that..
I'm just not capable of love.. at least not the love that exist in this world.

I'm happy by myself.. and always have been.. maybe I'm suppose to stay that way forever..
who knows..
I am no longer looking in the future.. cuz my path is constantly changing .. leading me to a whole new place..
I no longer trust my heart

Challenge

I just got challenged
when I make my move to new york = aug 9,2011
I need to create a blog and update once a wk.

I'm literally going there with ONE luggage :(
so scary =*(

NYU

Btw, I just got into NYU..
and now I feel like my life is just beginning!
this is the CHANGE that I have been looking for,
most likely in AUG- I'll move to a new BLOG-
and have a better camera..
that way I can document my whole NEW life in NEW YORK :)
I am psyched!

figured

So I figured something out about all boys- and I must say this is pretty universal with them..
it must be innate or something
but remember that "chase" or the "game"
that we all played in high school?
Well I noticed that.. even though girls sort of grow out of it, I don't really think guys do..
No matter how mature they are,
I think they always carry this pride with them.. this pride to always "win" or always be the "man" in a relationship..

How does this work?
well you see relationships are a tug of war..
you are either pulling, or he is...
Basically if you are pulling hard (trying hard to not care) he doubles his effort to win you back..
I know this is so lame..
but i honestly think its true..

I know my boyfriend when he was unsure where my heart was.. well I was unsure, cuz I just got out of a two yr relationship, I was pretty distant...
but anyways, do you know how hard he TRIED?
HE tried really hard..
and went out of his way.. to "woo" me..
then there were times.. he found out that I was going to hang out with my ex's friends..
and he.. tried to see me as much as possible before I went..
coincidence?
I don't think so..
the more he did for me, the more I became "crazy" about him..
I let my entire guard down..
he still tries, but now that he knows he has me- because I became this crazy clingy gf.. I don't think he tries as "hard"
I'm basically giving him my end of the rope..
dumb?
YES! ALL GUYS HATE CLINGY GIRLS..
I know its hard to do, especially when you are one, but sometimes we just need to back off
you know those guys that think of their girl - day and night?
its because the girl doesn't CARE.. or its not her priority to .. think much about him..
but it drives guys crazy..

every time my boyfriend thinks i'm upset, I withdraw myself because I just stop caring.. about everything
but that's when I see he tries so much harder, trying to bind us back to normal..
I guess it'll never be normal,
I used to not have that much pride in myself, but thanks to my ex...
I no longer want to be that girl that likes the guy more..
I really feel like the GUY has to always LOVE the girl the most..
she must be pursued and cared for at all times..
I honestly believe the girls heart is precious.

excitement..

The way I think will never change..
I constantly search for the ideal fairy tale
and although I know in reality they don't exist..
My body just won't allow me to stop.

When I look at relationships,
how they start and blossom
I am simply happy. - excited

But why does it have to stop?
Why do they always stop being excited
Men, Women- take everything for granted if they have it,
but when will they realize that they can lose it just as quickly?

Just cuz you've won them over, does not mean
that... you have them..
so cherish them, love them, and tell them.

I'm always excited about things I have, and I hold so closely things I never want to lose.
Its just sad when others just fall into a pattern of..
oh k I can stop trying now.

sad. I can't be in a relationship like that.
I like to constantly be in love.
and if people are telling me that type of love doesn't exist
I rather die alone.

Friendship

This topic has been lurking on my mind for a while..
you know I realized that all people view the term and meaning of "friendship"
very differently.

Personally,
I use it as one of the deepest form of relationship a person can have.
I am the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve
and I'm not afraid to show it.. even though it makes me vulnerable, it also makes me stronger.
That is why, I don't take my friendship with people lightly
and its extremely offensive when they aren't equal in effort, love, and respect.

I have learned from a rough path,
to cut those that affect me negatively
and to embrace those that build me up.

I constantly strive to be a good friend
and I put a lot of my time and energy into them,
its just sad when it isn't reciprocated
and many people in this world, use friendship.. as a temporary fix to help fill a void

I choose to cut..
sad to see
those around me, will probably not be around 5 yrs from now. :(

My stage

So I am currently in this awkward stage of my life
where I am just STUCK
I thought people only stay in this state for what.. 1-2 yrs
but I definitely feel like it is much longer for me, and it is only leading to more depression..

I need movement, I need change, and I need something to get my attention away from feeling so LOST
its so hard to change my perception especially when I have nothing to look forward to in the moment.

I am working my butt off in a job that pays me NOTHING
I am living pay check to pay check
My best friend lives FAR from me now
and I seriously have to spend a lot of my days ALONE
EVER since she left I seriously have no one to talk to, or enjoy doing exciting things with..
she was my go to girl, she was my best friend..
and please don't think my boyfriend.. is enough..
BOYS are NEVER enough in a girls life..
they don't even understand you half the time.. and when they try to console you thru a troubling time, often times they make it WORSE..
I am waiting on schools to get back to me.. but that will take 2 more months
and I used to travel- A LOT and now.. i am stuck in this STUPID SGV ... in seriously a FRKN BUBBLE..
doing the same frkn thing everyday
and I can't change anything NOR MOVE because I HAVE NO MONEY, NOR SAVINGs to TRYYYYYYY anything different..
I can't miss a single day of work.. and life seriously feels like the ULTIMATE LOW..
this ALL BLOWS..
and I CAN"T HELP BUT VENT...

In my mind..

I have an image in my head...
ideal but can be made real.
I'm not..irrational in the way I think
and I feel that life can turn out to be as great as we make it to be

What's important to me:
1) family- i can't wait to have my own kids and have so much fun with my husband
2) relationships- I hope we continue to LOVE LOVE LOVE
3) friends- I hope I find a close knit of friends that reciprocate in effort
4) career- I hope all the efforts I put in will always result in excellence
5) interior design- I can't wait to design my future house
5) tea - want to COLLECT all things TEA
6) ballet- Want to continue
7) science - want a career in it
8) fashion - want to be up to date with it
9) GOD - want to DRAW closer to HIM <3

afraid

He said he was afraid of my love..
how so I wondered..

He said he knows that i'm happy-
but my reasons for being happy is because I painted a perfect picture of him in my mind and heart
He must think so low of himself- and not worthy because
he is afraid that one day I will see this ugly side of him, and walk away...

What does this mean?
should I be afraid?

Love

I was listening to a friend tell me how naive I am when it comes to falling in love.
I am always giddy and excited about being in a relationship-
and though many have failed, I still act like a kid.

Others use their heartache against them
never learning
but always guarding.

see the thing is.. relationships happen.. they come and go..
it really is all chance.

If you don't risk it..
how will u find it..

just cuz one didn't work or even 20..
it just shows mr. right just hasn't shown up yet..
because when he does, you will know- plus.., there will be no games, and u won't be tired..

if ur tired in ur relationship from working too hard to keep it going- WHY? Just quit it.
love is easy, life is hard.. love makes life easier. yay.

so i like being giddy..
I won't ever stop..

I'm more in love with love than the guy HAHA..
so when the guys think i'm so in LOVE with them..
its sort of funny..

I'm very content to be single..
so when I am in a relationship, I'm also not afraid to be all of me, and give all of me.:P

lucky

I guess I would say I'm lucky..
I constantly feel like my boyfriend was almost designed for me
puzzle pieces, peas in a pod, you name it.. he feels "perfect"

I had no intentions of finding someone like him..
in fact, I didn't even know they existed..
I'm not saying he's PERFECT
but in a way he's perfect for me..

the one thing he has really given me is a piece of mind.
In relationships, I'm usually on edge and constantly thinking about how we will break up
constantly thinking where their heart is
and constantly worrying about not being good enough

I struggled to understand myself in a relationship
and sometimes in my disbelief from what I have found
i challenge him to the core, to test his faith and his loyalty..
I just need to know that he is "sure".. that he is "in love" with me..

I know the way I feel, but you can't always trust the ways others feel about you
I guess that's why he is special to me,
because even when he doesn't say it...
I can feel it..
he's special.. he makes me feel special..
I'm glad he's mine and I am his..

I am at peace when I am with him, and I am stronger with him by my side..
I enjoy his company, appreciate his time, and love his heart.

so emo

I am so emotional at times..
its like.. I act .. "irrational"
I hate that side of me..
its annoying and I always tell myself.. "shut up" gahhh

lol

I am talking specifically about girls in relationships..
guys are so passive
and girls are so...
touchy touchy with feelings

I hate it, but I overly do it!
WHY? WHYYYYYY

when my boyfriend talks..
i say "SO YOU MEAN... " etc..
and I get mad.. at my own non sensical sayings
lol.. its beyond ridiculous ..seriously.
STOP
STOPPPPP.. i'm asking for a ruined relationship..

-__-

My dad says i'm way too emotional..
he thinks i get sad a lot
and my sister calls me "sensitive"

these are qualities I DON"T want..
and need to LEARN to just STOP

What's new?

Starting a whole new year..
brings on new things..
new problems
new blessings
new wonders
new sadness
new laughter..
"every day is a new day"

So in my attempt to save money, and pay off my debt... I actually feel more broke.. putting in huge chunks of my savings into my repayments.
On top of that, I have medical and traffic tickets <- both which make me feel like.. uh.. not necessary! but now i'm paying for my mistakes..
its only been 4 days of the new year, but i've been pretty good about not shopping lol..

le sigh.

so heres my update:
boyfriend? seems great. nothing really exciting.. I guess we're too poor or too tired to go crazy.. lol..
money? I think I need a 2nd job
friends? feels a bit distant with some- and in my failure to mix friends.. I have to work harder to keep all my separate groups of friends close to me..
work? I love it. but the pay sucks..and its killing my car
school? april.. APRILLLLL.. will tell me all
location? if all goes smoothly- i'll be moving to the san gabriel valley just so its easier on my life, my job, and my bf :P

What I hope to see in this upcoming future:

plan #1- NYU acceptance, Continue to work full time till sept, Pay off all debt, lug around my sucky car, and move to the east coast in sept.

Plan #2- NYU rejection, continue to work full time maybe get promoted OR look for a better paid full time job, buy a mini cooper in april, and work on a business plan (even consider moving up to nor cal to start a private company with my best friend katt)

So many options.. yet.. so.. many.. opportunities to fail. I shall be optimistic for nowwww