anger

Anger arises so quickly in the hearts of men.

it .. drives us to disregard all consequences
say things out loud to hurt people and ourselves..
that is my anger..

In the peace and quiet of my own soul, comes out this ugly thing
and it controls me,
my every thought
and my every word

i'm angry

family life is and will never be easy.

anew

sigh, new year. new me?
I just want to be wiser and make better decisions.

New Years Resolution

1) Be Frugal - save money like crazy
2) Pray everyday- for myself and others
3) Read the bible everyday for strength and encouragement
4) be a homebody
5) Invest more time with my sister/ nephew
6) be a good friend
7) Eat healthy- fruits/ veggies/ less fried things/ no eating past 8
8) Pay off CREDIT CARDS
9)
10)

stages

So I'm sitting with a bunch of friends
a team of us that went to missions to Africa..
yup, we still keep in touch and meet about once every 6 months.
its really nice, because they are the most hilarious people ever..
Well.. put us together and you got a never ending entertainment.

But this is all besides the point.
The real thing I wanted to mention was how similar we all were in figuring out our lives..
I mean.. we are all about the same age range
some still in school, some applying to grad school, and the rest working in a job they hope will bump them up to senior positions...
Yup, all of us are all stuck on the same boat.. not knowing where it will lead nor... what will happen to us in the future..

When it comes to relationships, some are taken - in serious relationships..
others dating
and the rest single.. some desperate and others not looking.
Oddly, one of the serious ones are of me and my bf. :)

I am always the most interested in other people's lives..
sometimes more than my own..
everyone has a unique story to share and a unique future..
knowing where they will be in several years from now makes me smile..

lawyers, OT, accountants, healthcare providers.. etc.. endless amount of options and potential..
lets check in five years from now and see where they are then..
because its amazing to see how far we came from 5 yrs ago the day we all met.

the stories of my friends .. I will like to see how it all plays out :P

Merry Christmas!

I think I just realized that I have the best boyfriend in the WHOLE world...


Well after talking to my bestie katt..
we both realized all girls usually like to test their boyfriend.. test them to the extreme
so we can determine if they will truly stay with us thru thick and thin..

its hard to be complete in a relationship, especially when you don't really trust them..
NOT that you don't trust them personally~ just that you don't trust ANYONE to hold ur heart...

I learned tho, that my boyfriend... is asking me to trust him.. because he is so willing to be selfless for me..
Even though I put him thru some girly dramatic.. psychotic.. lecture about what he said..
he just listened..

his silence scared me..
I thought even more into it.. and thought he just didn't care LOL..
so we had a "silent day" of not communicating the next day..
which scared me even more.. and made me ANGRY.
lol <- see overly dramatic.. its in my blood..

but anyways.. that whole day he was planning, building, creating something special/ romantic for meeeee
to give me the best christmas eve date ever..
omg.. if you guys see how much thought he put into it!! I LOVEEEEE it.. the day was perfect :)
I just love spending the WHOLE day with himmm

hehe but anyways.. I'm glad that we are able to talk anything out, and that he's got me pretty figured out :P
i'm happier than ever..
:)

MERRY CHRISTMAS. I SPREAD THE JOY.. however it may come to you guys..

ideal

You know what I always wanted in a relationship?
Two people madly, deeply in love..
Two people that can't stand to be apart.. and make each other their world..

but who am I kidding..
there is just so much crap to deal with..
LOVE becomes a mere "to do" list..
Its the sad reality.

I have always been the one to believe in fairy tales
and true love..
and just when I thought I found it,
reality hits..

P: "You probably wouldn't support me if I moved away" he said
S: "um, yes I would, why would you say that? "
P: "Because you will be sad if I left.."
S: "I know, but you would be fully supportive of me if I moved away right?"
P: "Of course, I can't stop you from doing whatever you want"
S: "So does that mean you won't be sad if I left?"
P: "You are twisting my words.. but I am saying I would be ok."

That was the conversation.. that hit me.. pretty hard..
he would be OK? and he knows I will be SAD?
Guys all think they have me figured out because of my lovey dovey side..
but I am definitely NOT about putting myself out there more than the guy
I have learned my lesson from my last relationship, and I am REALLY.. upset at what he said..

He probably worded it wrong, just because he is a hopeless romantic himself..
but.. it was enough to sort of make me step back..

Its really irritating..
the stupid things boys say..
it makes girls do crazy things..
like.. REALLY distance myself..

alwndiandaiwdnawid relationships are frustrating no matter how amazing it is..

Time

Time is a funny thing.
It gets you to point A to point B
without you realizing.

Time heals all wounds..
or it just helps fade bad memories

Time ages you
physically and mentally
and time provides unknown opportunities.

We wait on time...
they say timing is everything
and "oh what perfect timing"

and that is exactly what time is.

As I'm sitting here in my friends apartment, beautifully furnished
(set up: modern/ vintage
christmas lights wrapped around each post
random furniture compiled together creating a warm ambiance.)

I can't help but be ENVIOUS.
this is what I want..
this is where I want to be..
they aren't much older than I am..
so I'm sad that the path I have chosen for myself.. will take me a lot longer to get where they are now.. kind of.. sucks :(
but I know.. it isn't my time to be there quite yet.
TIMING .. my time.. your time.. we all vary..
its about enjoying the moments and people during this "time"

The key is not to move too fast or too slow.. but walk, pause, breathe, then continue..
Its probably one of the hardest things to do..
because life.. ends.. when it is our "time"

Shopaholic

So I recently re- watched Confessions of a Shopaholic
and I couldn't help but think to myself.. Gah, she is so stupid..
just stop shopping!!

but then again.. I looked to myself..
and wondered "am I a shopaholic?"
I question myself sometimes

Not that I live extravagantly or even shop top notch brands
I mean, I am a pretty frugal person, look for sales, and cut out coupons
but the fact that I shop pretty often
I feel like I can be an "addict"

:/

I mean even spending $20 a day is still a lot of money
and doing the math I spend about $60- $80 a day..
but how.. and I wonder if I just STOP.. won't I be super rich?! :D lol

So I try to stop but I can't help but feel that I have NO clothes, and when I am craving something, I can't help but go buy it.
I swear I am a fat girl stuck in this little body.
but anyways, I vowed before my friend NEVER again will I SHOP nor eat out..
except these.. exceptions:
1) once a wk with friends (because I can't isolate myself forever!!! btw, I used to go out every day to have dinner with different friends, I have a problem with mixing them, I know i'm weird)
2) After a certain period of time, I am allowed to shop once a month

There was ONE slippage tho,
couple days ago, I had to rush out because I was late to work and I hated what I threw on
I felt like an old homeless grandma so I bought a cute tank top, but ppl that know me, are fully aware that I never have cash, and of courseeeee the register would say minimum purchase $10 to use card..
grr damn me.. so I scan the store for a quick 10 min, and find a REALLY cute top..
totals out to $20 for 2 shirts. not bad right? but major fail on my vow -_-
grr, but I have been somewhat good..

I used to have this belief that if you LOVE it to death, then you should buy it, because if you don't you will regret it, and it will be gone..
but now i'm thinking, "DO I NEED IT? and HOW LONG WILL I LOVE IT?"
very important questions to ask, and when you do, you will be surprised by your very own answer!!
:P

K I hope I can.. do this!

a song

The "What If" song by Jason Derulo has been playing over and over
purposefully lol.. because I love hearing the words..
its the sweetest SONG I ever heard, and its my thoughts in a song
how so?

Well the song is about taking a chance with someone, and possibly that risk could lead to something deep and wonderful-
"a future" together..

I love the words "imagine me on one knee, with the perfect diamond ring"

That's exactly what I do with my boyfriend haha
I always fast forward in my head
and I love that he lets me talk about it with him, and he is just as excited about it as I am..

I picture us together, where ever..
having our own place first, cooking for each other, just being in a room together in silence.. just loving him..
and then I imagine us being engaged.. him proposing out of no where..
then I picture my wedding day with him..(I already have my ideal wedding dress and ring prepared LOL- I know i'm weird but he's ok with that lol)
Then I imagine our honeymoon-
and.. just our future when he can come home to ME
and I imagine him kissing my cheek as I sleep, and he heads off to work
and where I prepare his dinner and just relax on the couch watching a movie

I just love being with him.. and he tells me the same.. :D
sigh, I want to tell him I love him..
but I know its too soon, and my heart just might be... a little too giddy lol..

He likes to tell me how he hopes he can spend the rest of his life with me :D
I like when he tells me things like that HAHAHAH..

random thoughts in the moment.

1) I hate cops- they totally suck
2) I hate my car- its cursed
3) I like being at starbucks
4) I love my job, hate the commute
5) My boyfriend makes me happy
6) I keep thinking of my future
7) I'm nervous about new york
8) I hate the restaurant business
9) I'm planning on taking more classes just incase i need to change career paths
10) I feel really behind.
11) I miss my best friends
12) I have amazing girl friends in LA
13) Writing relieves me but hurts my head at the same time.
14) I'm tired.. I want to go to the spa and relax..
15) super stressed for some reason. -_-
16) The end.

True Story

So I asked out my boyfriend yesterday to be my "boyfriend"
you guys must be thinking.. "uh... why didn't you let him do it?"

LOL

Well he did..
in the sweetest way EVER..
but I said NO

because we all know that I just got out of my 1st serious relationship.
I know my whole lesson on "rebounds" trust me.. I learned in college when I actually USED someone for that reason..
SO bad.. and extremely hurtful to the other person.
I learned..

so I knew this guy was different..
he cared..
and not just in a "hey, baby ,, ur fine" kind of CARE
i'm talking about the genuine "I LOVE YOU FRIEND" kind of care!

do you know how rare that is..??
to find that .. to find a friend that you mesh SO WELL with..
and finally taking it to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL???

it was such a hard transition for me..
but.. he made it so easy..
he made it so clear
he let me knowww
that he liked me for reasons BEYOND the superficial..
he liked me for me..
and wanted to take care of me
and cherish me

He sought me like a treasure..
and seriously EVERYDAY
never let me FORGET it
... HE NEVER STOPPED making me feel special..

He's different..
and for the first time
I feel like
I am in a good place
and I am "happy"

But yes I did it in the MOST cheesy TACKY way :(
i bought him a really cute cupcake and attached a home made note on it
it had.. a question mark on the front
and inside said "will you be my boyfriend?"
and he said of course :)

If you wanna know how he asked.. let me know and i'll b happy to share..
the more I share about him..
the more even you will see that he is different..
sort of made for me..

still.. on the same page..
still trying to make each other happy <3

Girls are Evil.

If you're reading this..
it probably doesn't apply to you
but these days
I just have to VENT
GIFNiawdnawidnawidnawd

Mk.

Well people that know me
should know that about 95% of my friends are girls
and people in that 95%
are LOYAL, LOVING, CARING, and ESP. DRAMA FREE.
I am DRAWN to those kind of girlfriends..
and I care for my girls SO MUCH.. I would do anything for them.
My true loyalty stands with them..
No BOYS.

but of course there are those few exceptional GIRLS..
and I am NOT their friends for legitimate reasons..
REASONS being.. they are
DRAMA STARTERS, GOSSIPERS, and HATERS.
YES, there are so many girls that HATE me for no reason, find it difficult to find me happy, and their whole purpose in life is to ruin mine.
SAD, INSECURE, STUPID, EVIL girls..
yes they exist
and yes, no matter how far I get from those girls..
they still like to cause a spark which eventually can cause a FIRE, that I can't even blow out.

I thought this whole kind of drama ended in high school, maybe COLLEGE..
but seriously..
THOSE GIRLS NEED TO FRKN GROW UP ... FOCUS ON THEIR SAD LIFE.

sigh, this is my one vent, my one HATE, and my one PEEVE in girls..
please don't be one.

Fairy tale

I have always had a dream.
A wonderful, swt dream.
lol.

I'm a typical girl


Anyways,
I always imagined my life to be something like this :
marry at 24.
have kids by 27.
have my own clinic by 30.
and be super happy with the man of my dreams.

ok.. well.. i'm very OFF lol
but I know that happiness comes in other forms and shapes..
and I am still embracing all the changes..
my life will probably play out like this..

be engaged by 26
marry by 27
have 1st kid by 30
and have a clinic by 40

or even that.. might not work..
life is sooooo unpredictable it intrigues and scares me at the same time.

I guess I should just be living in my present..
because so far.. its been playing out quite nicely.
because of HIM.

But as of now.. I'm super happy
I never thought I would meet my prince charming.
I never thought that it was possible to have it all..
boy I was wrong..
People tell you romance like the movies never come true..
but if you meet the right person..
it does.. IT REALLY DOES..

no compromise..
no sadness..
no games..

both people on the same page, on the same path, going at the same pace.. with one goal .. making the other person happy.
i'm giddy :)

Grad school

Its upon us.
well.. me..
lol.

Sigh, what is wrong with me.. why am I so fickle!!
I feel like such a kid that needs a lot of growing up.

I don't know what will make me happy and it scares me to stick with something that i'm so unsure of..
I want to help people... I know that much
but I also want to do it in a way that will make my job fun more than a mundane task.

when i discovered OT, I thought, whoa this might be perfect for me..
but its also very chill.
you might be thinking why is that bad?

well for those that know me, I am super competitive, and super active in my daily life.
I have to keep at a fast pace and have to fill my schedule up for the year.
I have to stay busy, because that is what drives me.

So then I discovered nurse anesthetist
and boy it sounds SOOOOOOO COOL
to be active in surgery
to get paid double
and to just be in that constantly active environment.

Sigh, what am I doing with my life? :/
i'm already almost there for OT..
why am I trying to give up now?
perhaps I should just try it for 5 yrs and see how much I enjoy it..
and if I don't like it..
go back to school for nursing.wah life has too many choices.

Is it possible

Is it possible to like a friend more than a friend?

Its a huge risk,
when do you know its worth a try?

What if I was to say that someone is willing to offer me everything that I could ever dream of..
Could offer what the others were lacking?
What if they have SHOWN you evidence that they want to be there for you thru thick and thin

Is that when I take a risk?
My heart is very tired, and very guarded..

words are words..
What I learned from my past..
is that words mean nothing..
people talk so easily..
win people over so easily..

but it means nothing.. to me now

I used to not be this cold person..
but now I am..
So how do I act.. when someone is asking for my heart?
when someone is offering a safe haven for it?

risk.
I don't know if I have it in me.

My kind of guy

So this past wk, I have discovered that... many of my friends have broken up with their boyfriends.. including myself.
The thing is, all these relationships have been LONG TERM, and I always question, when did it get to that point that everything fell apart?

It took me a while to realize what it is that I want in a relationship, and it was painful to see that the one you loved was NOT the one providing it. :/
Its a tricky situation- but I guess its realistic.

There is always one person that falls out of love in the relationship
One person that always gives up
one person that stops trying
and one person that gets too comfortable.

All these .. take a toll on relationships... and eventually end it..

So what were my reasons?
Well I guess I shouldn't be pinpointing all the mistakes but rather sharing with you what I want in a relationship, therefore showing you what I didn't get.

Basically- I may be a total optimist and be naive in thinking that this kind of love exists..
but I want it..
is it wrong of me?

Sigh.

When I meet someone, I want them to think i'm funny. I find that humor is a HUGE part of my life, and a guy that can make me laugh because he WANTS to see me happy, is a keeper. But at the same time, I want him to see that I can make him happy as well. So none of this whole looks business, Its really about the happy heart.

I want a guy that keeps my happiness a priority, even in the the most busiest times, I want him to look into my eyes, and see the person that I am. Many times, people take their relationship for granted, put it on their list of things to do, and then when they see the person, they space out.

I want a guy that doesn't get too comfortable and stops trying. I want a guy that constantly makes the girl feel special, and show her that he is there for her...

I want a guy that tries.. his best.. I don't WANT the best.. I want HIS BEST
that's all I want.
But now i'm broken, because there are many things that weren't right, but I took it .. I became a push over.. and just another girl in their life. This kind of ending, makes me guarded in various ways- and you wonder.. WHY ARE PEOPLE GUARDED? there are reasons... good ones..

gain our trust, gain our hearts.

Sometimes, I feel like in the end, the love never existed..

I so badly wish.. he would fight for me.. to prove that his love was real
but I guess the battle is done..
we lost.

What is Love?

I think when it comes to relationships..
it ultimately has to lead to one thing
"love"

If it can't get there, what's the point?
Then its just infatuation.
And that just leads to heartbreak.

But my question is,
what is love?
how do we define it, feel it, know it?

I think in my own "version" of love
LOVE is simply being "selfless"

I mean to be honest, who in this world do we love the most and are willing to do anything for?
OURSELVES.
Yup, we are all selfish, but taking care of ourselves is essential..
we make ourselves the priority
we make ourselves #1
we will go out of our way to make sure we are taken care of and feel comfortable.

so what can it mean to love someone else?
same concept.
but project our love for ourselves towards another individual.

That means you make them ur new priority
you make sure they are comfortable, even for your own sake
you make sure they are happy
you make the sacrifice for them
you take the bullet
you lift them up in times of trouble
you drop everything to see them
you smile when u hear or think of them
you think about them more often than u think of anything else.
you look at other people, and say "can't compare to what I got"
you get reminded of them thru the small details in life
you talk about them in the highest regard
you take their side no matter what
you constantly keep the relationship alive by giving the right amount of one- on - one time
you are in clear communication with them, letting them know, reinforcing them that you are still here
you plan things for them, so you can make them feel special
you do everything in your power, to MAKE them know they are special.
you cater their needs before yours
you are INVOLVED in their life, family, school, work, etc.
you let everyone KNOW you are taken
you are not afraid to make things public (not PDA, just show signs that you are in a relationship)
you are not AFRAID of being in a relationship with them
you have to believe they are the "one"
you have to believe you can't live without them (I say this in the most non- psychotic way) I say this because people tend to take other people for granted, and without this mentality, people tend to forget and lose sight of the relationship. The thing is you can't control how the other person feels, so if this idea is out, and two people can't appreciate being together, then they will only become "comfortable" and nothing more. Just know, any individual that doesn't feel special, will eventually walk away, no matter how weak/ or strong that person is. People need to realize, you can LOSE anyone, anytime if you don't LOVE. And once they walk away, you say to yourself, damn I could have treated her/him better because I just lost the best thing in my life"

So, if you love someone.. let them know..
if you love someone, don't treat them badly and think they will stay by ur side.
if you love someone, don't let them walk away because you didn't give them enough.
DON"T do the bare minimum and think its okay.
Because that doesn't show love.

so this is what I feel "true love" is all about.
the whole list above can be summed up in just one word "selfless"
Without that, trust me, you will lose the girl/guy that you are taking for granted.

There are so many couples out there that I see, and I think "wow, they are perfect together"
When they do absolutely nothing, but stare into each others eyes, even in a crowded room
stand by each other
I know there is love. For some reason, no matter what, it shines through to other people.
congrats to them for achieving it. Seriously, its hard to find.

Food.

I think I have been lacking H2O in my diet :/
Sometimes I just forget, do you?

I mean I remember to drink green tea everyday.. but that has caffeine
and you know what caffeine does to ur renal system right? It makes you body reabsorb LESS water, which actually can end up dehydrating all your cells. YUP.. but I do take all the antioxidants with me lol.. but still.
I need to stop FORGETTING to drink water.

and my lack of exercise is probably the main reason my energy is so low and my sleep habits are off!
I keep waking up at 3 am now because I'm either restless or hungry.
It really is taking a toll on my body I hate it.. and taking sleeping meds will only make me MORE drowsy.
I can't wait to go back to ballet class and do some jogging in the mornings. New york has a lot of joggers at central park, I love it :)

I want to start taking multivitamins now for complete nourishment of my body. I've taken vit B and calcium in the past..
but I do want to start having other supplements in my diet. A, E, B5, B12 <- very important!

I wish I was an expert on proper nutrition and diet, so much chemistry is involved... -_-
but I do hope to continue eating my fruits/ veggies on a daily basis. Can't go wrong there lol.

*decrease sugar intake

Product Review

BOOTS-So... I need to "recall" on all the "boots" products.
I don't think its as effective as it says. -_- Sigh but their "vintage" line still looks REALLY CUTE lol

BEST DRUG STORE BRAND: I would have to say loreal. It endures a lot.. My fave is their mascara and eyeliner..
infallible REALLY does what it says. It lasts 18 + hrs.. no streaks .. and looks fresh.

WORST BRAND: Maybelline - EVERYTHING about it sucks.. its like watered down product.. its just not .. reliable.

Product I want to try: Olay 7 signs of aging. I hear A LOT of women rave about this product and I think since all the reviews are there to back it up I should try.

Product I'm obsessed with : BURTS BEES! everything about this line.. the radiance night cream is my fave! and their spot treatment works! like REALLY WORKS! This companies price is just too expensive, but all in all I think its worth it. Oh and another con sometimes I don't like the smell of many of their products lol. But I am a uber fan :)

My toner: Milk of Magnesia, strange huh but it works to keep ur makeup on longer and looking matte longer. Its cheap too!

Kate.

I read this one article where Kate Hudson made a quote, that I don't know if I agree with or not.

Basically she said..

"No human is monogamous. We all stray.

It not about that in relationships. Its about.. keeping a happy home

Its okay as long as the guy never gets caught. "

what do you guys think?

Relationships

Sometimes I hate being an a relationship..

not to say i'm not happy

but why do all relationships come with drama.. seriously, I don't know a single relationship that has not fought. Although it's inevitable, sometimes I think its so unnessary in my life. -_-

As a single girl, you can gather yourself, better yourself, and focus on your personal goals.

As a girl in a relationship, you have to constantly think of the other person, worry, stress, wonder if they still feel the same way or if their feelings faded, jealousy becomes an issue, they look and compliment other girls, we all look at other people and wonder if they are "better".. ahh this is all so sad.. I HATE IT..

I never wanted to be that girl, I never wanted to change who I was.. especially not like the way I have been. Its something I can't control either.. I feel like I becoming this psychotic paranoid girlfriend.. and I HATE girls like that..

What I need to work on.. is to not let things get to me.. I need to be more apathetic with everything.. but HOW? howwwww? Ideally, I think its best if the guy is constantly reassuring.. but they never are.. they are sort of lazy in this area.. lol.

sigh. I wonder if I'm just a weak person?I'm crazy observant, and I think over time I have seen many guys in relationships that have these googly eyes and hit on other girls despite having a girlfriend.. and I have seen too many to COUNT! I just never want to be one of those girls that gets screwed over with her heart.. I try to be on my guard.. but letting these small things get to me I know.. is a sign of weakness.

Relationships are hard.. communication is key.. independence and being strong minded is the answer to my problem. I really do miss who I was. Relationships can bring out the worse in people.. no matter how wonderful.

AH, I need a break from myself..

away from home

This year is slowly coming to an end.. but it only means that we are getting closer to the inevitable changes that are about to occur. In some ways, I feel like my life is only beginning. I have been nesting comfortably in my home with my parents rent free... and engaging in various activities that reflect my childish, docile spirit.

Hm, but all that is about to change.

If I am to set my foot out into the world of NY or SF, I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel lost for a good chunk of time. Living on your own in a whole new place, is the scariest yet the most exciting feeling in the world. How will I cope? I have no idea. I do wish I could take an old friend with me along the journey, but I know everyone is making their own mark.. no matter how much I tout that kind of lifestyle lol.

*sigh* I can't wait to share with the world, all the new things (if it happens) happening to me :)

My life is just beginning, what will be the zenith of my existence?

I have a strong passion for so many things, I'm glad as time is passing by I'm starting to feel more comfortable with saying "this is what I want, this is what I don't want, I'm going to achieve it".

Trust

It really is the hardest thing in the world to trust people, or even to trust yourself.

We change, they change.

Life always takes us to new places and sometimes gives us the most unfortunate events to deal with.

With more and more serious relationships, the harder its seems for me to grasp the whole idea of trust- just cuz it gets scarier and will inevitably be far worse in the future then in the beginning.

I truly envy- strong, independent girls who never let anything bring them down, and live such care free lives. I also love those girls who take charge of their own self worth- making them even more amazing.

In life, what can we do to stop living in the fear of not trusting other people?

My future HOME

I don't know why, but I am SO obsessed with the vintage look.

I think my future husband will hate to live with me, because he'll feel very much like a girl.

but dundundun.. here is a layout of what I want my living room, kitchen, and bathroom to look like.. :)

I am very big on white, off white, beige, and flowers :)

Product Review

A quick review.

I was at the target store looking around, its always exciting to just be in there. haha

I usually go to sephora for makeup or lotions etc..

but there was always this one product I always wanted to try at target but .. was too scared to try..

but luckily, today there was a representative for the line (no idea why) but she was there and it was really nice to talk to her.

This product company is from "boots"

they produce several different lines for various problems. I've seen them in magazines before along with olay as being one of the best "cheapest" products to use.

I was looking for a night cream because I ran out of my burts bees radiance night cream- which I feel was very good but felt like it doesn't hurt to try something new.

I liked the texture of the botanics line because they use ginseng, alfalfa, and some use grape extracts just like caudalie line does. The difference is the price.. I usually drop $40.00 for a lotion at sephora and for an itty bitty bottle, while the botanics boots line cost max $12.00. HUGE difference. I tested it on my wrist of course to make sure I'm not super allergic, and I was surprised to see how INCREDIBLY soft it made my skin! I was originally going to buy this huge bottle just cuz I liked the feeling of it, but the lady was like .. that's for VERY mature, old lady skin.. HAHAH and she referred me to the "pre-wrinkle creams" for younger people. Same concept but not as harsh. I consented and now i'm trying wrinkle reduction serum~ which I just used and am VERY happy with :) I know we don't have wrinkles now, but I think if we start now, it'll be better as we age.

But then she thought I might be using an intense moisturizer which isn't right for my skin- this can leave you with an oily residue etc.. and I was like oh?

She said I should use a lotion with sun protection and something that is light- this I totally agree with- and so for my DAY moisturizer we were reading up on the No. 7 line. - We both concluded the rebalancing lotion is right for my skin type.. and as of now I totally agree! Keeps you oil free longer. phew.

So today felt like a total success- not only will I be saving a LOT of money, but I can be happy with a new product. :) Glad I can test it. lol

Oh and fyi, they also have a vintage line, where they use vintage packaging. Just the look of it makes me giddy. I LOVE THE VINTAGE LOOK. It'll look good for my future house lol, next to my bathtub which will also be vintage :) I just really want to design my own home now. Excited for the future! but now i'm off topic lol.

I think my next post should be all the furniture I want in my future apt :)

Karma

I sort of believe in KARMA
well not in the way that everyone else uses that term.
I feel like to me KARMA and ATTITUDE are interchangeable

I realized that a good day and a bad day is usually based on how we view the day with our attitude.

There are days I wake up, feel happy and bump into people that are kind and sweet,
the day goes smoothly, things happen where I state "I am so lucky", then BAM! it hits you, you encounter a arrogant man, a person honks at you as you are driving, people are rude, they cut you in line, they critisize you at work. My day turns from something so amazing to a day where I just want to go home because I can no longer smile.I feel so dark and angry. This attitude carries on to everything and everyone. I'm unable to view things as blessings but rather as an annoyance. I hate that, I hate how one little thing can ruin my day, and no matter what, I feel helpless because I can't create that original happiness anymore. ahh this is what stress is.

I also know when my heart turns dark, my attitude and intent turns dark. I hate people that have a bad heart, and I have to admit there are times I am SO angry inside that my heart becomes consumed with evil thoughts and feelings. Even though you think you recovered from this, the darkness continues to linger on and prevents good things to happen to you. I felt a little under the weather, no idea why, maybe because I feel sort of lost in my life, and that is causing me to stress and worry about the unnecessary. I don't know how to stop worrying, and I think all my anger, stress, just all the negative energy surrounding me is seriously attracting a lot of bad things to attack me.

Please let things get better..
:(
I don't want stress to consume me and dictate how I live..
For a while now, I tried putting on a positive attitude and avoided the negative thoughts..
but I believe I cracked.. and now i'm falling apart :/
I need to hear some good news, I want to feel safe again.
Perhaps I should pray for it.

Change me.

So much going on in my mind. So much happening around me.

Its hard to sleep, hard to breathe because I am overwhelmed and consumed by it all.

But what?

I don't even know for sure, but NO ONE can control it but myself.

Let's just say I lost myself.

I became a person that I hated and let that control me.

I know who I want to be.

Its time to change.

Its time to let go of insecurities, worries, doubt..

and live in the moment.

live day by day.

Yes... there will be the ups and downs..

but LIFE has a reason for EVERYTHING.

its time to accept the facts, its time to accept what it is.. and ignore the negative.

I only have myself to control.. I only have myself to think about.. I can ONLY change myself..

Its time for my change.

How do I start living this way? Ignorance

What you don't know, can't hurt you.

This maybe a STUPID way to live.. but its the ONLY way to live..

No more safety precautions, no more holding back.

I am in control of myself... so I can only work on myself.. to better myself.. and stay strong.

Friendship

Friendship...

Can be such a beautiful thing or deadly to any social life.

As people get older, I feel like the meaning of friendship becomes an issue.

When we were all younger, we played with whomever, whoever, whatever.

But as we mature into teenagers or adulthood, we become pickier and stick with people who we ultimately: Trust, use, or have the same interest.

No one is now just friends..

If you look around you, we only have a few we can call our best friends and many we can call our acquaintances. But how are we choosing, and why do many leave you abandoned?

Trust is a huge deal breaker. Not many people in this world are reliable, friendly, genuine, and ultimately trustworthy. I don't know why that is, maybe they just had a terrible childhood.. but there are so many people in this world you have to be weary about. Its so sad, but getting hurt by someone you think.. you thought... was such an amazing friend can leave you guarded and closed off, that no one would want to get close to you in the end. So to find those trustworthy friends, is like finding treasure. Something to cherish and never take for granted. Keep them close. :)

As we get older, I notice that people tend to latch on to people that are beneficial to them. Its such a selfish act, but I see more and more of this playing out. All I see behind those eyes are USERS. They use people to gain something, to get ahead for themselves. I hate people like this. They no longer have the need to care about another person, but themselves.. so they put on this facade and their amazing acting abilities to make you THINK they are your friends. Never let people step all over you.... you don't need people like this. They take everything from you- time and energy. Don't waste it. Use it on friends that are clearly your friends without strings attached.

Interest- A key thing to making people closer. I already have friends with WAY different interest than me- but we bonded because we initially had something in common. Now, even though everyone has grown up and gone a different path, the essence of familiarity has ultimately sealed the deal to life long friendship. I approve of this kind of friendship because it shows that they can survive through the ups and downs in life- and even separation. :) But now as I am on this path in life and I hardly see anyone with my interest, it makes it difficult for me to talk about my passions without a similar perspective being involved. That is why I am so excited to attend Grad school.. pray that I get in.. so that I can meet fellow peers engaging in the same activities as me, and I can bask in a friendship that is based on what we love to do. I'm excited for that.

Broken friendships- some are worth fixing and others are just meant to leave alone. People that were once so close to you, that now faded... is such a sad situation.. but it is life. It takes TWO to tango.. if one departs.. its the end of a wonderful friendship :/ .

Faith

Faith.

Its actually a beautiful thing.

It gets you out of the toughest situation,

gives you something to hope for

gives you something to reach out for

gives you a reason to live beyond yourself.

My faith is not so much a religion as it a relationship with someone beyond this world.

Its a hard thing to grasp. But its beautiful.

My faith isn't here to condemn anyone,

my faith teaches me to love others more than myself

my faith teaches me to be humble.

My faith also teaches me that I will fail because I am human, but that I can learn and try again to be a better person.

I think my faith is a beautiful thing.

When I am down like the way I was few days ago, I had NOTHING but faith to rely on, and prayer to get me healing quicker (even the doctor I spoke to told me, I healed fast).

James is probably my favorite book in the bible because it is so simple in what life is all about

"Cherish your hardships, because endurance builds character in life"

I'm sorry to all my friends...

I'm sorry for all the people that had made you guys gain a distorted image of what christians are. (you see, we only preach LOVE and Faith, not condemnation- they were wrong to do so)

I'm sorry that people have pushed and pressured you guys to see what you guys can not see,

I'm sorry for hypocrisy- even though we never claimed to be perfect (because we claim to be everything but that), we only strive to be better people.

I know there have been people that ruined FAITH for all- and that is sad.

But please don't take it away from me. Please let me be. Please let me have my faith in whatever, because its the only thing that helps me make it through this tough, hard, unpredictable life.

It's my faith to love. Not yours to hate. Thank You.

inspired.

I am definitely moved by people that do it all!

I guess the only person holding me back from doing all the things I want .. is really myself.

Well, sort of my circumstance too.

Everything is really hard to achieve, so I do have to ask myself- will it be worth it in the end, even if I was to fail?

I really believe that I fall in between- the book worm type and the artsy type. I don't really like leaning one way or another. I'm the type that needs both in balance, so that my brain will feel like it is exercising the left and right hemisphere. Other people, I know for sure are one sided handicapped, so the other side becomes extremely strong and driven. Mine is an average joe on both sides, so I pretty much feel very useless. I guess you can say, all I really got is hard work and determination. I wonder how far that will get me, lol.

I do have a side career in mind, and I don't know how attainable it is...

but I do want to take sewing, fashion, marketing classes- and create a HUGE dress line if not only everyday wear but FULL out formal wear. I have a lot of sketches done, even though they aren't accurate to how real designers portray them, but I think it's a good step lol.

I probably would want to design aprons later also. Anything dress- esque, I absolutely adore :D

Lonely

Hm, for the past couple weeks, I couldn't help but feel the sense that I was alone in this world. I questioned if people really cared about other people, or if they were just using you...

I want those types of friendships you see in the movies- the ones where they have EVERYTHING in common, they are strong together, they are in sync, and they are there for each other NO MATTER what. ON top of all that, they are willing to do crazy things together so they can keep their friendship exciting.

Friendship is very similar to a relationship, and it really matters to keep in contact regularly...But often times, we do our own thing, and don't really have much concern OR time for anyone else in our lives.

Sigh, I guess this is called depression. I seriously feel it.

If you think about it no one is really there for me..

my boyfriend is either working a lot or gone somewhere, feels like we are living totally separate lives-

My sister- who can't DO anything anymore cuz she has two kids

My parents- are so lazy- they only like staying home to watch tv

My best friend- who is SO busy with internship, job, school, boyfriend- I'm afraid to intrude.

Others- DON"T have time to hear ur problems; or why WOULD I even want to burden them with my life?

So who really is there? Myself. Thus, I am lonely. I feel alone, and that makes me sad. Sigh. No matter where I go, I suppose I will always be alone.

Home Remedies

New Discoveries:

Vinegar Soak: Wanna get rid of scab quick? Wanna heal faster than normal without a scar? Did you pick at that pimple, and u need to heal? Well, this home ingredient can do all that! Usually wounds heal about 7- 14 days, but this vinegar soak can help you heal in 3-5 days! What to do? Put 1 tsp of WHITE VINEGAR with 2 CUPS of WATER together to make your solution- use a gauze or cotton ball to place over (NOT RUB) and keep it on for about 10 min. After that put on the e- solve ointment or any healing ointment. Its seriously a miracle healer :D

Aspirin + Honey mask- See a zit coming on you face? Stop it in its TRACK before it becomes a full on ZIT. YUP. It seriously works! How? aspirin has natural salicylic acid + honey has natural healing power that reduces swelling and redness! So together if you make a mask- place over problem area and sleep with it on. The next day- it should all be GONE. I usually place 2 big aspirins into a tiny bit of water ( make it super saturated so that the solute is greater than the solvent) and add a couple drops of honey- mix together till it makes a thick mask and place on- don't rub this in either. (technique: aspirin is really hard to break apart, so if you leave it in a droplet of water it'll break apart on its own, that way after a couple of hours you can add all the other stuff and just mix.

yay! enjoy ur CLEAR face :D

Earth Day

I learn something new everyday on how to treat this world a little better. I definitely used to take it for granted because EVERYONE already screwed it up anyways- but I guess this movement of helping the world be more eco- friendly starts with a single person.

I can definitely respect the way JOSIE MARAN- lives. She used to be one of my favorite models- I just love her classic hippie/ girl next door look. Her few pointers: put a BRICK inside ur toilet, raises the water- so it uses less every time you flush, use biodegradable products as fertilizer, turn off all electrical outlets (phone charger, computer charger)- saves you $90 a yr, she uses vodka to take out odor from your clothes.. so you can do laundry less often, interesting huh?

I should try all these- I like the way she lives.. she gave a tour of her home, its neat. Oh yea and she NEVER uses paper napkins- only cloth because its reusable and reduces trash.

k, Happy Earth DAY :D!!!

Product review

Sigh. I love sephora.. don't you?

anyways, I go there enough times to accumulate massive amount of points.. which ALLOWED me to receive a free gift every time! I'm trying out new things and taking home samples of anything I like. Anyways new discoveries:

1) "philosophy" amazing grace lotion

It is AMAZINGGGGGGG~. The scent is so subtle but STRONG.. and sort of addicting.. almost like clean laundry smell lol.. but I FOR SURE will be purchasing it in the FUTURE.. the whole tub. (its also anti- aging) :D

2) Not a big fan of "Korres lip balm" - dries up so fast

3)I want "inFatuation" lip gloss- big and bare. It really makes ur lips look fuller with good gloss not the sticky kind.

4) Clinique- milk cleanser- take the day off soap. I was pretty lazy when it comes taking off my makeup. With the two steps, eye first, then cloth to remove the face- ugh.. so I wanted something gentle and moisturizing that can do it all at once- I looked everywhere, everything else is oily or creamy, or petroleum- esque, meh.. but this is so light and really dissolves all makeup.

Vinegar- skin care? to be continued.

Decisions, Decisions

So today, I made an important phone call to Wagner College- one of the most beautiful schools in Staten Island, NY. See the reason I made this phone call is because I was conflicted in my career choice to either become an occupational therapist or a physician assistant.

The reason I question my career route is because all my life I have been adamant about healing people through internal medicine. Who knew I would fall into the route of treating patients thru external, physical healing. I kept asking myself, is that what I want to do for the rest of my life, and will I be happy doing it? I really thought to myself that "No, Sharon you need to focus on internal medicine" but heading to the PA route is a little more strenuous. How so? Well, if you know me, you know that the only science I absolutely HATE with a passion is CHEMISTRY. I can handle physics, biology, anatomy, and physiology.. but PA pre- reqs are all about CHEM, OCHEM, BIOCHEM.. you see the problem here? If I am unable to handle or I think i'm unable to handle those classes, maybe internal medicine really isn't the right path for me. I keep thinking about my competitors and people just like me heading in that direction, and HOW much better they are than I AM. They know the ins and outs of chemistry and can absorb the material just like that. *sigh* Thoughts like that make me REALISTIC and I need to learn how to accept my strength and weaknesses.

Therefore, I created a roadmap today in my room. I plastered on paper all over my wall so I can create this elaborate plan. What did I do? I listed my three options: 1) PA 2) OT 3) Dietician

then I mapped out how I would get into those schools. PA requiring about 8 more science classes, OT 3 more left, and Dietician- 8 more. I automatically crossed out dietician just because a PA consists of knowing the way the body works in any circumstance and if I'm going to take the same amount of pre- reqs I might as well head towards a PA route. Ok next was to look at my options between OT and PA. PA route consists of having 1000 hrs of WORK with direct patient care, 8 additional science classes- most of them being chemistry related, and third work with an actual physician assistant. ALL WHICH I LACK making me lose another 2 yrs of NOT being in school. It seems like PA had a lot more CONs than PROs. But then I was left with OT- yes, if I don't tell you why I kept it on the list then it will surely look like I have settled which is not the case. The reason I feel like OT may be the best path for me is because 1) I only have 2 more classes to take, 2) I work directly with an occupational therapist 3) I'll be able to apply this year 4) I will be able to utilize 2011 with becoming an EMT or taking additional classes of my choice- like graphic design etc. 5) because although from the outside.. OT looks like it is focused on ONLY physical healing- they actually need to know a lot about internal medicine in order to TREAT patients properly (with little chemistry involved, lol). All in all, OT really is holistic- but I just never saw it that way before. Phew so hopefully I have made the correct... and FINAL decision. All in all, I think I will try to apply to Wagner's PA program where they will help me finish my pre- reqs. Something I can think about- although they told me its super competitive for people with bachelors. Hm..

So there it is.. I'm going to stay focused and ON TRACK!

My diet

I've realized all my blogs are about- Skin care, career choices, and diet plans. I think these three subjects consume my every thought and being.

I'm usually really good about the types of food I consume, but I think the past two weeks, I've really let myself go. I mean I know that indulging in sweets and what not is NOT awful if consumed in the right portions but I REALLY let myself go... and to top it off the guilt and.. results .. Let's just say I'm paying for my mistakes. lol.

Ok well it is never too late to start a good diet plan especially when you're young. And this diet plan isn't to make you SUPER skinny or anything- but the key word here being "healthy"! If you're healthy- you will automatically maintain a good weight and a lot more energy! Usually it takes me 2 days of detox to make me feel on track again- then a normal healthy diet begins.

what to do on a daily basis with your eating habits:

1) stay away from fried foods

2) Eat a wholesome breakfast- eggs, fruit smoothie, green tea, rice + side dishes, etc.

3) snack away in between meals- but on fruits or veggies- STAY AWAY FROM CHIPS and SODA .. (popcorn is actually a good alternative)

4) eat slowly- makes you full faster

5) share your meal with a friend.. I bought a box of full of pumpkin white chocolate chip cookies and.. if i hid them in my room, I know I would have eaten away at all of them.. leaving me 20 pounds heavier.. but that never happens because I leave my food in the kitchen, where my rat dad comes and devours 99.9% of it... leaving me with no choice but to only EAT one itty bitty cookie. Outside I become angry, but inside I'm secretly thankful lol.

6) I'm trying to stay away from DAIRY products- no bueno for my digestive system.

7) Try not to eat past 8:00 pm...

8) Don't eat then sleep right away, a dietician has told me, you can gain 5 lbs in an instant.

9) Sleep 8- 9 hrs a day. let your body heal.

10) Try to stay active during the day.. take the long way .. walk here and there... doing small active stuff like that makes u lose body fat... strenuous workouts actually make you KEEP body fat but build muscle.. interesting huh?

11) good luck to you and to me. :D Let's stay on track.

Product Review

So there have been many MANY trial and errors.. but overtime I have accumulated some of my fave products. Here is the list:

1) L'occitane Hand Lotion- I'm a huge advocate of shea butter. I feel like its the only thing that helps with dryness immediately. --also any body soap that has shea butter.. I like also. :D

2) Kiehl's Lip gloss- I got the MANGO flavor one.. but I must say this really is the #1 lip balm. Helps soothe ALL lip problemos seriously. Burts bees couldn't even do the job of replenishing my UBER dry lips.

3) Kid's listerine- strawberry flavor- so funnn! It colors all ur plaque and junk pink when u spit it out and it taste good. Makes you want to rinse ur mouth often!

4) Kid's gummi vitamins- Yes.. I have fallen into the pattern of acting like a kid with all these kid stuff.. but seriously.. if they make it yummy and fun for kids.. its fun for me! OMG- vitamins are so crucial to your HEALTH. Working at the nursing home- I can't help but realize that many of their problems and injuries could have been prevented with VITAMINS. Take it while you're young.. especially the calcium gummies! WOMEN.. you guys lose a lot of bone tissue as you age.. you need to take calcium NOW... and MILK does not cut it!

right now I am testing out two eye creams.. can't tell which one I like so far but will update soon :D

1) bliss- all around eye cream

2) Korres- evening primrose (I think i'm leaning towards this one, but we'll see)

I wish I knew everyones "can't live without list"

Talent

They say that EVERYONE possesses a talent. No matter what it is, we all have something that is a strength and some stuff that show our weakness. But aside from that, I have been on a crazy journey looking for what my TALENT could possibly be. le sigh.

Sadly, I have always felt like an average joe. Can't really exceed at anything I do. I can probably memorize something quickly.. but that's about it. It sounds sad in itself. lol. Ah, how envious I am of singers, writers, artist, etc. People that utilize their skills.

But then I realized.. what if I do have a talent but I just don't like it? That maybe without utilizing that talent.. I've completely made it void? I mean someone can be an amazing singer but hate singing. Other people who are geniuses and can find the cure for cancer probably aren't using their talented brains to do that because they would rather become pro skaters. Have you ever thought about that? Maybe I'm one of those people that just doesn't like the talent that I don't know that I have that I may have.. if you get what I mean..

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the more I'm surrounded by people that know exactly who they are and what they want to do- I become more LOST because I try to be someone I'm not. I easily become inept.

What is up with this 22 yr old stage- being lost.

Why do I want to stand out and be more than just average.. I seriously wish I was content with just being average.. it would make my life a lot easier.

interior

I'm not big on the whole modern movement.. no matter what it is.. but sometimes.. modern designers have got it right.. and they really no how to utilize their space and color palette. Here are a few that I think is simple, clean, and yet its bold.

The bathroom- reminds me of japan.

such a clean looking living room.

product review

Shampoo:

Dove- NOT good- their commercial should share the CONS of their product and how dermatologist don't like dove at all. Hair loss is extreme. Contains oil which can irritate the skin and can leave your hair oily at the end of the day.

vs.

Suave- Very skeptical at first because I saw it as a cheap product, but actually dermatologist recommend it because it contains only natural ingredients without the harsh chemicals. Left my hair feeling CLEANER, less hair loss, and more volume without getting oily at the end of the day.

interesting.

Lotions:

Aveeno- You would think with all the hype of this line, that it'll transform your life. EEk. wrong. I feel like this product doesn't do anything. No pros or cons. Makes the price not worth it. It can also leave you feeling oily and sticky when you go out.

vs.

Caudalie- New found discovery. With the amount I love grapes, its a wonder why I never used it sooner! Filled with antioxidants and the right amount of moisture, even their cheapest products reveal better skin- more radiance after one use! Seriously!

Perfume:

Marc Jacobs Daisy- Such a light perfume but so sweet! I absolutely WANT it because its not overpowering and it smells fresh

vs.

Moschino cheap and chic- A lot stronger, but with a lemony flowery scent. I love it too.

Milk:

Regular milk- filled with hormones from cows, hard to digest, can turn into curd. yuck.

vs.

Soymilk- filled with the same nutrients. Feels lighter. Is healthier and can still provide the same amount of calcium that milk is so popular for. I love soymilk, especially the one with vanilla added.

*diet trick*- Ice Green tea sweetened only with honey because honey contains antioxidants, moisture, and believe it or not enzymes that produce hydrogen peroxide helping in the healing process of the body :D. In general, green tea has definitely helped me boost my metabolism. Usually eating out late or eating sweets, I can gain 5-7 pounds EASILY.. but thanks to green tea, my weight has been stable no matter what!

Fickle bean

Ok. Fickle me. Fickle bean.

I would consider these words to be attributed to me but if YOU really think about it, I think I am just passionate, lol.

I have been known to have a knack for seeing other people's talents and placing them in the best career/ path in life. Taking into account personality traits, habits, and ability (skills), I can easily see a person's talents. I can do that for nearly anyyone that I choose to observe or get to know but I CAN"T do it to myself. sad.

So these days I have been extremely focused on pursuing a career in Occupational therapy. I have talked myself into believing it is good for me and it is RIGHT for me based on my interest and passion. But as I get closer to the ultimate goal, for some reason, I feel like I can push myself to do more. Yes, I have talked about all these things I have wanted to do numerous times and you're probably thinking, ugh sharon just FREAKIN decide. But I can't. Even though I am so close, I am so far. And with that kind of mentality I make room to squish in some other career choice because a little voice inside my head tells me ITS NOT TOO LATE! *sigh*

So these are the careers I have been considering STRONGLY based on everything that I truly TRULY love and am passionate about:

1) dietician

2) interior designer

3) physician assistant

4) occupational therapist

5) entrepreneur- My own tea cafe

These top five careers- OMG I would love to do ALL OF IT at once. Is that even possible? It would be seriously amazing if I could be all 5 things but AH the limits of humans. I have laid out a road map on how to achieve each of these careers so now I gotta choose the ONE that will truly TRULY make me happy -_-. and the one that I am willing to sacrifice my life for. Help?

Home sweet home

As I come home late from work, school, phil's, katt's, or from a cafe, and what not... I realize that I automatically go straight up to my room and close the door to either sleep, work, or plan something. I feel like my life has continuously been this sort of effortless, mundane pattern of leaving and entering my house. It wasn't until this very night that I came home and I actually took a step back to take in the scenery . In that moment as I just stayed frozen in the silence and serenity of this place I call home, I begin to breathe and take in what actually exist in front of me. It may not make much sense, but I have not been home for a while (not physical presence). My mind has not grasped onto this reality of being home- a place where family, laughter, conversations, arguments all take place. I should stay home more often and not just cooped up in my room. I should really live and interact with my family. We know they are there for us no matter what, but sometimes that mentality forces us to take them for granted. I don't like that and I don't want to live like that. I want to keep all my friends, boyfriend, and family in a good balance. Some stuff needs to change, starting from home. :D

Inspired.

Ah, when I watch people from all walks of life do what they love or are actually good at something, I become TRULY envious. No matter what it is, even if I don't like it. They are inspiring. So inspiring that I am exploding with a drive to take ACTION. 

Maybe I should attempt to live out my life a little differently. Yes, as of right now I am tied down to two jobs, classes, grad school apps, and GRE test. But 2011, I shall be making a lot of changes. It's a long way from now but I think my freedom will allow me to be selfish for a year and do what ever the heck I want to do. 

What those changes are, is a secret but I'm very excited. I might even start planning it now and work slowly towards all of it. Eep, I'm excited. 

side note: I love cute things.. its absolutely brilliant 

just simple paper cups. 

Love.

Do you honestly believe in true love? That the moment you find it in a person, they are the only ones for you? 

I used to think this way. I used to believe that life really COULD be a fairy tale or even to some degree. With every guy, came new expectations and new hopes. But with every guy came failure and disappointment. Still, I dreamed on that my prince charming was OUT there. That he will come find me and we will be happily ever after. 

eek! WRONG. 

Love is such a subjective term. Its no longer how we KNOW we feel, its a matter of how we THINK we feel. And just by that, love ceases to exist. Why? because our thoughts change, and our thoughts wander. If we knew something is a FACT, then its impossible for it to change. but we don't. 

Let's be realistic, we are all humans. What does that even mean? For some reason, everyone can agree that human nature has a dark side. A side that opposes what is good. So what is that dark side in EVERY human? dishonesty in every relationship. We let our minds wander and we start looking at other people thinking, wow they are so pretty or they are so sweet, I wonder what my life would be like with them? Yes, all of us have checked out other people but we expect our partners to NEVER do such a thing... but HA! They clearly do because they themselves are human. 

*sigh* If we can no longer see the person we're with as the ONLY person for us, then how do relationships possibly work? I don't get the functions and reality of it, basically what is the point? Maybe we all sugarcoat love, but it could perhaps be for everyone, bluntly speaking "designed to fill a VOID of loneliness, so we all settle with a guy we think will do for now until someone better comes along" 

My perspective on relationships are changing, and I can see that my fairy tale beliefs are no longer in existence. Nothing is too good to be true. This is life, we need to accept it for what it is, and not HOPE. 

life

I feel strongly, deep down inside, I was designed to do something great, something memorable. Why I am sitting on my butt so focused and driven to pursue one thing is beyond me. I really want to put myself out there. YES, there is fear but sometimes I just wanna kick fear in the butt and claim my right to my happiness. What is my happiness? I seriously don't know. I dream big, yes everyone knows that, but being unable to accomplish any of my goals brings me into a deep state of depression. Sadly, I feel stuck, and I regret everyone of my choices. I feel like I wasted so much time thinking and not acting. I still to this very day ask questions like "who am I?" and "what do I want to do next?"... 

GRR, I am absolutely disappointed in myself. I definitely want to partner up with ambitious people and just GO FOR whatever comes our way. I WANT change desperately and badly. I'm so tired of my dull, mundane life. I know people think I'm young as a 22 year old, but really I wish I was doing more with my life when I was 5!... So to make a change now, I do feel old. 

Selfless

The more I work in the occupational therapy rehabilitation room, the more I get to see the struggle and pain behind each elderly person turn into joy because they are healing. Each day as we help them prepare for the outside world. With body  exercise techniques/mechanics they become stronger and more livelier as if they are living again for the first time. It is such a beautiful process to watch and observe, and it convicts me even more to continue doing what I'm doing. They are leaving such an impression on my life that I can't help but become more motivated to help the helpless. There are many times that I just feel like quitting because it is a very exhausting job. Many times, I also find myself wanting to do something for myself and live for myself. That's what I thought would make me hapy, but in reality, making an old woman laughing at a joke I made (Maxine Varon, 88 yrs old) or keeping an old man company (Raymond Foxgard 80), makes me even happier. No one can take away this simple pleasure, this simple interaction I have with them. I like to believe that I, too, have left an important mark on their life as they live and cherish the moments they have left. 

Aside from all that, as the therapist themselves teach me about various occupational therapy specialities, I see more and more on how intricate and detailed the body is. One therapist is a hand specialist, and to me it seemed like such a simple job, but Oh my goodness, the hand in itself has  millions of problems that need to be addressed properly. They must learn how to treat rheumatoid or osteoarthritis, and map out a plan to stop the fluid tissue from causing inflammation and deformity. There are so many diseases and problems that come with a single body part and how they are fully informed on the anatomy and process of the body just like doctors are. That is amazing to me... and something I did not realize till now. 

Dreams

I day dream a lot. I also ask a lot of what if questions, not only about the past but of the future too.

I think I do have  ambitious dreams- they all circulate with standing out and finding my true calling in life. A lot of people want to be artists, actors, musicians. But my dream is to share my passions and joy into a store. I really have a mapped out plan of a good store, and feel it will do well if I put my all into it. That's the problem, however, I have no risky bone in my body to change my course now. 

I wouldn't want my tea shop to be just an ordinary tea shop. I would work with third world countries to import all my teas so that I could help promote small businesses around the world. The whole point of the shop would be to bring people around the world closer together and share the benefits of tea, and how America could really make up for all the greasy, fried food they have been eating. Tea is beneficial for metabolism, and overall health. 

My tea shop would be set up like a buffet style, with different tastes and styles from around the world. It would be set up to meet the artsy, classy, vintage, and cozy atmosphere. I also want this tea shop to collaborate with up and coming artists like from etsy which would make it stronger on a different level. *sigh* But statistics have shown of many small business failing. I don't know if I can risk anything at my age and my lack of finances. But tis a DREAM. 

anyways, on a good note I found my dream place setup : 

                                                

How I celebrated New Years

You know this was the first year I ever celebrated New Years with another special person :) tehehe...

and I'm glad it wasn't in LA... but in WALNUT CREEK. A peaceful, calming suburban area where the backyard is seriously a huge mountain. Well actually I spent it in the city that night but the rest of the week, I really enjoyed my time in Walnut Creek. Eating out, hiking, watching a movie (sherlock holmes). It was perfect.  :) 

(photo credit: Sharon  Yi)

It was also the first time I met Philip's parents, which was seriously nerve wracking but ended up being very good. They were very nice and enjoyable people. I had dinners and breakfast with them and it wasn't awkward haha.

The new years started very well for me and financially sad for me. Pros: I start my shadowing of an occupational therapy today and work more hours at both Gyu Kaku and the Nursing home. I am searching for a third job, but it is getting very difficult. Another thing that made me giddy was that my mom stocked the fridge with never ending amount of soy milk. I love soy milk lol. 

Con: car car car. A stupid red light ticket, seatbelt ticket, registration, brake changes, oil change, smog check, and more. Oh yipee. I hate having a car and will be happy to get rid of it. :*(

Changes for the New Year

I am all about the blank slate. It's exciting for me to start all over or instill that sort of mentality in my head because it makes me feel better. It helps me improve the person I was and keeps me moving forward rather than living with regrets. 

So what changes do I hope to see? 

1) diet and exercise- ballet, fruit, vegetable

2) working (job wise) very hard 

3) no more unnecessary spending (save $10,000 by June) 

4) expand my artistic endeavors 

5) I also want to be extra organized, clean, and use my time accordingly :)